What a shame

We’ve been on a tour for the last week; hearing well preserved stories that have been retold through the generations. Some of them simply keep a record of history, some of them have the potential to impact the way that people think and feel today.

I guess the thing that amazes me is how every nation has its own story and its own tragedies and joys just like each of us. We were told the stories in a neutral way on our tour, but it got me thinking.

We can have a tendency to look backwards at something that happened and to get stuck there. Our self-talk tells us that we should have or shouldn’t have done something and we get stuck back in that moment. That moment continues to impact our present.

We paint a picture of ourselves based on that thing that happened and our self-talk reinforces our story.

The thing is: we can’t change our past. If we can learn to accept what happened we can reframe our history, change the way we think and move forward.

I know… the stories that we replay in our heads seem convincing. But they are only our perspective. There are numerous other factors going on that could completely change our story! Ask the questions. Look for other perspectives. What was going on for other people involved? What might have motivated them?

Here in Scotland, we have been hearing history from different perspectives than we had heard before. Suddenly things make more sense. We’ve modified stories that we knew well with the new information and suddenly we have a fuller understanding of the nuances of our family history. That is called reframing.

When we take in other information and allow it to modify our perspective, we can reframe our own stories too.

Think of someone who was told as a child that they were in the way. As an adult, they realise that the person who spoke harshly to them was actually a mother of 6 who was frazzled and just having a bad day. They believed a lie all these years but as an adult they can reframe their perspective; understanding the challenges of family life they might feel empathy for the mother all those years ago.

That’s where curiosity comes in really handy. Can you get past your own perspective and ask what was going on for others?

Acceptance is a step in the journey to wholeness. When we’re climbing a rock face or jumping across a river, there are some places that we just can’t reach without landing somewhere in the interim. Acceptance is that place. Not shame, not reaction, not justification; acceptance.

If we jump to justification in the interim, it’s too far to leap to the next landing spot. Exploring the reasons or excuses of why we did what we did doesn’t change anything, it keeps us paralysed. We can’t get to the next spot. We have to go back to the place of acceptance.

If we refuse to accept something that has happened, then we can’t move on from it. Our first response of hurt or disappointment can quickly get replaced by anger or shame, shutting down or letting loose; when really, we are just trying to chase away the unpleasant feeling that we started with.

We tell ourselves that it should never have happened and we keep the moment alive by replaying it over and over in our head.

I’ve been observing a friend who has been working through her story. She has learnt to accept what happened a long time ago and what is taking place in her day to day. Not that she agrees with those things nor minimises them, but she acknowledges that they took place and is willing to experience the uncomfortable feelings that come with them.

Hear the acceptance there? Not a judgement of whether it was good or bad, just an acknowledgement that it happened.

Our first emotions are real and raw and if we allow ourselves to sit in them, they will pass. Those feeling are often uncomfortable. What we tend to do instead is mask them with something else.

For example, we can turn the normal response of embarrassment to a place of shame. We define ourselves by that one choice and disqualify ourselves from anything positive in the future because of that thing. Living in shame is a difficult place to be. Again, you can’t get to the next landing place from there, you have to backtrack to the place of acceptance. The harsh self judgement that accompanies shame is a hard habit to break, but it is doable – through acceptance.

It might challenge our pride to back track from shame; but we can do it. That is an uncomfortable reality to explore. Did you react to that sentence? Are you arguing with me in your head?

Shame becomes a garment that we wrap around ourselves. Unforgiveness is the clasp we use to hold that garment in place. When we can forgive ourselves or whoever hurt us, the shame can fall away. We can move back to acceptance and look for the next safe place to step.

When we begin to think differently, new possibilities become available. We are no longer defined and confined by that event. This is where we can look at the options before us and make a healthy choice.

From the place of acceptance, suddenly we can reach positive landing places that we couldn’t reach before. Where are you heading? How could you get there now that you’ve accepted what happened?

The challenge with looking back is to make sure that we don’t allow ourselves to become overwhelmed and stuck in the story. Emotions like shame and anger might try and rear their heads again from time to time, but consciously choosing to step into the place of acceptance will position us to move forward again.

Keep looking for the path through.

That thing happened. That being true, what’s the best decision that we can make from here, now?

The thing is: we can’t change our past. If we can learn to accept what happened we can reframe our history, change the way we think and move forward.

All of us have a story. All of us have experienced joys and the hard stuff. Our story is both unique to us and common to many. You are not an isolated island; you have affected others and been impacted by those around you; even when you don’t realise it.

Where you are stuck somewhere or not sure of the way, look for the place of acceptance and step in that direction before you move forward. That way you are on the path through and not on some dead-end track that will get you stuck.

As nations and as people, we all have a story. Let’s find the place of acceptance of our stories and move forward making the next, best decision.