There’s no one to talk to…

In 2012 we uprooted ourselves as a family and went to live in Peru for 4 months. We talked to our children’s teachers and came up with a plan for their schooling while we were away and enthusiastically immersed ourselves in a place where hardly anyone could speak our language.

We didn’t realise what we were in for. What a challenge to be in a place where you can’t communicate, where everything is different from what you’re used to and you are reliant on others for the most basic of needs.

It was difficult. I remember throwing myself on my bed in tears one afternoon without realising that one of the boys was in the room. He came over to ask me what was wrong. “There’s no one to talk to!” I wailed.

“You can talk to me…” he offered.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” I sobbed back.

True story. I know I didn’t earn any points in the mothering department in that moment.  But the reality of isolation was awful.

When we came home 4 months later I noticed changes in the boys. They started friendships with children that were on the outer: children that were from other countries and English was their second language, children who weren’t particularly popular or academic.

There is something about experiencing vulnerability that gives us capacity to see another person’s need.

It is easy to overlook the challenges that someone faces because we’re caught up in our own world. When you have faced challenges yourself, there is a higher chance that you might recognise the needs of others.

All of us have challenges from time to time. How can we respond when we see someone going through a challenge? The phrase that has been swirling in my mind all day is Love, Acceptance and Forgiveness. (Now this is the name of a treasure of a book that I read 20 years ago, but the principles of those three words are as relevant today as they ever were. Please note that I have not read this book in years. It may use these terms very differently than I do here – I can’t remember. But if you’re curious, I do remember it being a brilliant book. Feel free to have a read.)

As I wrote the description of being in Peru, I realised that the experience of being in a place where you can’t communicate, where everything is different from what you’re used to and you are reliant on others for the most basic of needs can actually be applied to many different scenarios. A medical event for starters… maybe you identify with all or a part of it.

Every human being carries worth. When a new baby enters the world, he or she is deeply dependent on someone looking after them. Babies definitely fall into the description above. Generally, a baby who is loved and looked after will flourish and a baby who is neglected or unloved will develop some kind of safety mechanism to attract attention or to shut out unwanted experiences. This is obvious to see in an infant. It is not always so easy to see in a child or an adult who has honed their safety mechanism over the course of years.

When we come across someone who is hurting, it is easy to react to their coping mechanism and put up walls to protect ourselves. What is really happening here? We are mirroring their coping mechanism. They walk around with walls up to protect themselves and when we respond the same way there is a double thickness wall between us. Any attempt to reach out and help them is going to have to break down multiple barriers before it can make any difference. They are walking in fear of being hurt. There is only one thing that trumps fear, that is love.

When we are hurting and we have walls up, we often feel isolated. We develop beliefs like ‘No one else knows what this feels like’, ‘No one cares’, ‘I can’t let them in or they’ll hurt me too’, ‘They’re all the same’ or ‘The only one that I can trust to get the job done is myself’.

When we’re in that place, it seems scary to let someone else in. Isolation feels like a solution. We can resist the attempts of others to reach us. But when we experience love, those barriers and the lies that we believe start to lose their power. Isolation loses its grip.

What does love look like? Well, acceptance is a really good starting point!  We can accept them walls and all. Now, I have to make note of a couple of things here: we can love and accept a person without agreeing with their choices and we need to be wise about how we interact – for example, if they are volatile, are we meeting in a public space with other people around?

Going back to me sobbing on the bed in Peru – could you accept a broken version of someone you know? That’s not how I usually operate, so anyone observing me in that space would know that there was a challenge going on.

We come across people all the time who are experiencing a challenge of some kind. Have they heard some news that has knocked the wind out of them? Do they have extra deadlines at the moment? Did they sleep well last night? Do they have a dependent and are feeling the weight of that responsibility? The list could go on and on.

Some people we know well and we can see the change in them as they face a challenge. Other people we don’t know and we just see their erratic driving or the scowl on their face. Can we face those people and accept them as they are?

What does it look like to show love and acceptance in the supermarket or on the road? That is a challenge for us all.

When we have gone through something ourselves it is much easier to identify the signs of someone experiencing a challenge. However, we each have our own story and our own ways of responding. Let’s not assume that we have the full picture. Their response is their reality right now and to accept where they’re at without dumping our perception on them is an act of love.

Then there is forgiveness: forgiving them for the way that they lashed out in their pain or if I’ve brought it upon myself, forgiving myself for what I said or for getting myself into this mess. Forgiving is washing the slate clean and allowing the opportunity to start again.

Forgiving is extending love to others or to ourselves. It is letting go of the hurt so that we do not remain isolated, but make way for connection.

How we wish away negative moments or hard places, but it is often in those places that we learn the skills and the empathy to connect with others well.

I was amazed to see the boys change in the way that they related to other children when they had experienced their own hardship. They accepted these other children as they were – with their language barriers or social quirks. They walked with them and persevered through misunderstandings.

We’ve had a very brief look at love, acceptance and forgiveness in the context of valuing a person who is facing a challenge.

If you’re going through a challenge right now, be kind to yourself, you are not alone. Our journeys do not look like yours, but grief or isolation or stress or rejection or whatever your challenge looks like is common amongst humans. Perhaps you might allow your walls to come down enough to grant someone access to walk this journey with you.

We are not created for isolation, but for love and community. In our pain let’s let others in.

In our normal everyday lives, let’s extend love, acceptance and forgiveness to those that we meet.