I had a dream

In this dream, I travelled with someone I wanted to impress. We had a good time. I got out a bag of lollies (candy), and the nice ones were at the bottom. I dug the nice ones out and offered them to this person, but they declined the offer. I was estatic until the lolly moment, after that I felt deflated. When I woke up, I recorded the dream and noted that it was about being myself – let this person appreciate me for me.

I had that dream almost 17 years ago. That’s 17 years of applying the lesson.

Have you ever tried a Cherry Ripe chocolate? It’s made of dark chocolate with cherry and coconut inside – not ‘old’ cherry with that Dr Pepper flavour, just regular cherry. When I was young, mum used to put a Cherry Ripe bar in my stocking each Christmas. I wasn’t convinced that I liked them, but they became synonymous with Christmas morning. When I was old enough to make stockings for my own kids, I always put a Cherry Ripe in their stockings. Why? Because although I wouldn’t have naturally been drawn to it, I had a lifetime of positive memories associated with that flavour and I wanted my kids to experience the same. They didn’t always want the Cherry Ripe, it wasn’t to their taste.

Cherry Ripes are a bit like people. We might not be naturally drawn to them, but they are synonymous with a particular part of our lives and although it takes perseverance at first, we eventually learn to appreciate their uniqueness and maybe even go as far as to share something of them with others.

We don’t necessarily apply that to ourselves. We often present an image of ourselves to impress someone.

We make decisions based on how we think others will react, we talk about our accomplishments and minimise or ignore our failures. We present the polished version of ourselves to the world and feel deflated when they decline our offer.

Instead, the people who sit with us and enjoy our assortment of lollies, even the plain ones, reach a level of relationship where they get down to our depths and get to enjoy the best parts of us, not because we dug out our highlights, but because they journeyed with us enough to receive them.

Not everyone wants to spend time with you. Some people will legitimately decide that you’re not their kind of person. Once, I attended a wedding where I knew very few people. I wandered toward one lady who I had met a couple of days before and when she saw me coming, she quickly distanced herself. Though disappointed, I got the message loud and clear. I didn’t chase her.

It is actually okay to decide that someone is not really your kind of person. You can still treat them as someone of value.

Some people will be drawn to you, perhaps they’re curious about something you said, are encouraged by a smile or like the way you go about things. These ones may journey with you. They may enjoy the plain version of you and last the distance. Only time will tell.

The thing about digging out the nice lollies in the dream was that they didn’t flow out naturally. I was presenting what I thought this person would like. It wasn’t a natural choice in the moment, it was forced. I was striving.

There are plenty of people in the middle. They’re there, but they’re neither for you nor against you. They bump into you because you live or work or have activities in common, but they’re not particularly drawn to you. These are the ones that you are tempted to impress. They’re the ones who you want to show off to, just a little. You want to stir a reaction from them.

The trouble is when they react, they may just as easily reject your treasures as accept them.

It’s helpful to observe who these people are; not so you can get upset, but so you can develop more realistic expectations of them. If you are sharing your treasures with someone who doesn’t value them nor you as a person, you’re going to get hurt, over and over again. Stop chasing them.

When someone says no, you save something of value. Now you can share it with someone else.

Can you allow that person to be themselves? Letting go of disappointment and the desire to convince them that you carry value will save mental and emotional energy that you could be using elsewhere.

Notice the people who enjoy you for you. How could you encourage them? Relationship is back and forth, give and take; you appreciate them, do they know that you appreciate them too?

To grow in learning to be yourself, observe the people who exude peace. Talk to them if you want to. They’re the ones who aren’t trying to convince anyone that they deserve to take up space. They know who they are, they know that they are valuable, and they offer their own flavour to the world.

These are people who live out of rest, not striving. They allow others to share their lollies without digging for the nice ones. People either dismiss them, perceiving that they hold little value, or are drawn to them because they are authentically themselves and it is refreshing to spend time with them. But either way, with either response, these people have learnt that the responses of others do not define them and they carry on.

Although others may perceive that they hold little value, that is no reflection on these people at all. Some are effective leaders, some generously provide hospitality and a listening ear, some of them downplay their professional life when they’re at home; the perceiver can be fooled when striving is missing from the equation.

Do you take time to notice those living out of rest? Do you even see that they’re there?

When it boils down, are you living to impress or are you living to be? What is your unique contribution? Who do you try and please when you’re making a decision? Who sits on the throne of your life?

Bringing what you have to offer is risky business. Some people will reject you or at least prefer someone else. Some people are ambivalent to your contribution. Keep being you and they may grow to love you or they might write you out of their story. Again, time will tell.

But there are others who love who you are and what you offer. These ones keep coming back for more. These are the ones who love to share life with you. Whether they get to share in your plain moments or the special ones, they remain.

These are the ones who you can rest with, the ones where striving falls away. These are safe people. You’ll have differences for sure, but when you honour each other and recognise each other’s value, you can be real without fear of punishment.

When I mention Cherry Ripes to my friends, they usually react pretty strongly. They either love them or hate them. The advantage of liking Cherry Ripes is that when they’re in a box of assorted chocolates, I often get them all. It is rare that I have to share. Cherry Ripes bring a unique flavour to the world, and I am one of the people who have learned to love them. Just because others don’t love them doesn’t make Cherry Ripes inferior.

Does the dream challenge you? Do you dig out the nice bits to share with others, or have you learnt to be yourself? What might life look like if you become the one who has learnt the lesson, the one exuding peace?