Forgive and forget?

We have photo books that we look over from time to time and I marvel at how those photo books shape our memories. I have photos on my phone that didn’t make it to the book and sometimes when I mention them, others don’t remember the events even though I have photographic evidence that they took place.

I used to hold a lot of grudges. I also remembered things in great detail. Why?

I used to play those memories over and over in my mind, reliving the pain or the injustice or the embarrassment of those moments.

A few years ago I remember being really upset when I went to the beautician. I told her the story of my morning in great detail. She was also incensed by what had happened and together we were appalled.

I remember who it was, but I cannot recall what it was that made me so upset. Sometimes that annoys me because I would like to replay their terrible history and label them something awful, but I can’t indulge myself because I genuinely let it go a day or two after it happened.

Now, in case you are concerned that I am losing my memory, rest assured, I can still tell many of my stories in great detail although I generally don’t. Those are the stories that I have forgiven but not forgotten.

How much energy and thinking do we expend each day on reliving stories of long ago. As we choose to forgive, we’re not necessarily going to forget the things that happened, but we’re going to establish a new pattern of thinking that frees us from the loop of offense.

When we’ve decided to make a change or we’re learning to look at something differently, why is it important to repeat our new way of thinking over and over?

To repeat our new thought process builds a foundation for learning to take place, it rewires our brain and helps us to remember.

This week I was part of a music team introducing a new song and the piano part had a little melody that just wouldn’t stick in my brain. I had listened several times to a recording and had played it often. I knew the notes and generally how they fitted together but when it came time to play together with the other instruments, my timing was out. The team leader mentioned the fact after our first run through and I was not surprised. I could remember it if I had just listened to the recording, but by playing the other songs I had forgotten it again.

I got out my phone and listened to the recording once more. This time I counted along and suddenly figured out the rhythm. My brain likes to use numbers. Now I had linked the rhythm with numbers, it finally registered.

My brain took several attempts to learn this new rhythm. I had to learn the chords that lay under the tune; learn the notes and then learn their timing. It took perseverance to keep going when my brain told me that I just couldn’t remember.

If you are trying a new way of operating it will take intentional repetition to form the new pattern. You might choose to forgive now, but perhaps your heart is still coming around to the changes. That’s okay, keep repeating the process, in time it will come around.

Actually, I remember introducing a new song once and it had a tricky part for the piano. The way that I knew that it was the correct speed was that I had to play it as quickly as I could. Several weeks in, I had got better at playing the tricky part without realising it. When the singers tried to join in this time, they ran out of breath because I was playing it so quickly. My gauge for speed was still to play it as fast as I could. But now I was playing faster because I was playing it better and I had to find a new gauge to measure the correct speed. My old measurement wasn’t working anymore.

That was a new learning that I could layer over just getting the notes right. Practice or repetition led to a deeper understanding of the music. The mistake was no longer playing wrong notes; it was failing to consider the singers. That only became apparent as I played alongside others.

I read something the other day, I think it was on Facebook (Insert one hour lost here while I went searching for it – to no avail). It was about how the length of the roman axle was measured at the width of two horses. The ruts in the roads left by the Romans later defined the width of a railway track and then a car. If people tried to use vehicles with different dimensions on old routes, they would break the wheel or the axle as the vehicle tried to settle into the patterns of the past.

Our brain also develops patterns of thinking called neural pathways. Trying something different may last for a while, but before long, if we’re not intentional, the thinking process will take the path well worn and fall back into those old patterns that are already established in our thinking.  Think of forgiveness as levelling the path where the ruts used to be so that it’s not as easy to slip into the old way of doing things.

Both learning and repetition together will support new pathways better than either on their own. If you see something from a new perspective, keep talking about it or stick it on the bathroom wall where you will see it over and over. Allow your brain to make new and different connections when you come across the same old situations.

Be aware that when it rains and things get slippery, it’s better to stay off the path if you can. You will either expend huge amounts of mental energy trying to stay out of the ruts or slip back into old habits, helpless to get out without help or until the ground firms up again.

You might try a few different paths as you learn, but when you find one that works, repeat it and allow the new path to establish.

At our last house when I walked the dog, I had to walk down one side of the house on the lawn. I was amazed that walking that small route just once a day eventually formed a visible pathway. You might not be able to see the change immediately, but keep using the new path as often as you think of it and it will become established.

Just when I was confident that I was used to driving to my new house and I didn’t really have to think about it anymore, I suddenly found myself turning the wrong way and heading to our old house. Old patterns will test you every now and then. As soon as you realise, you can redirect yourself back to your new way of doing things. Don’t let a wrong turn send you to despair. It happens. Laugh at yourself if you can, or at the very least, forgive yourself for the mistake.

Another reason to repeat things or visibly place reminders for yourself is that when you use more than one of your senses to remember that new path, you are giving your brain more ways to connect and establish the new pathway. If you see it on your wall and say it to yourself, your eyes and ears both get to participate along with the movement of speaking the words. That uses three of your five senses. Each of us are wired to learn differently. Where one person learns by doing, another learns by seeing or hearing. So the idea of using multiple senses to help us remember can simply support our learning style.

When we’ve decided to make a change or we’re learning to look at something differently, why is it important to repeat our new way of thinking over and over? It builds a foundation for learning to take place; it rewires our brain and helps us to remember the new.

How much energy and thinking do we expend each day on reliving stories of long ago. As we choose to forgive, we’re not necessarily going to forget the things that happened, but we’re going to establish a new pattern of thinking that frees us from the loop of offense. Think of forgiving as levelling the path where the ruts used to be so that it’s not as easy to slip into the old way of doing things.

Perhaps you too might find over time that you stop reliving your painful memories as often. To forgive is not necessarily to forget, but it can go a long way toward helping us heal.

This blog post was inspired by Living Wisdom, Personal Insight: