This morning I was chatting with someone about contentment. His premise was that if he can remain content with food and clothing, he is more thankful for other things that come his way. (If you studied Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs‘ you might be thinking, “Shelter! The other need is shelter!” I sure was, but I managed to keep quiet…) Anyway, you may have other things to factor in, but at a basic level we do have control over whether or not we are content.
I used to be discontent most of the time. I read historical books and wanted to live in those time periods. When I was functioning in the day to day, I always projected into the future and wished that I was there.
It took me time and practice to become content. For a while I was aware of my discontent but didn’t actually change anything. One thing that I had to learn in the process is that no matter where I am, no matter what my circumstance, I am me. If I am camping in a tent and only have the basics, I am me. If I am staying in a five-star hotel, I am me. I had to become content with who I was. Even now, people struggle to reconcile the different aspects of my life. I do not shy away from the basics and yet I am also okay with experiencing the pleasant things of life.
I know people who are only content if everything is of a very high standard. I also know people who tell themselves that it’s not okay to enjoy the nice things – that somehow, they need to feel guilty about a wonderful experience because they know others are not experiencing that same thing right now.
Are you content with where you’re at? Are you content in your own skin? Do you find yourself wistful about the past or the future? Do you fill your free time with noise or activity to escape reality? At its foundation, discontentment is an attitude of lack – being unhappy with what we have with the assumption that something else, perhaps something unreachable, will fulfill us.
Contentment matters. It changes the way that you experience life. It is a skill that can be developed. It creates a margin of calm around your borders, allows you to plan objectively and increases your ability to experience joy.
When you are content, your mind and body carry less tension. Something as simple as accepting your capacity in the day-to-day may cushion the stress you feel when work is piling up or something unexpected happens.
Our brains operate on multiple levels. We can have a high level knowing that what we’re doing makes a difference. If that is true, we have a greater capacity to deal with day-to-day pressures knowing that we have a purpose.
If on the other hand we are restless or discontent, our underlying attitude creates stress that makes us more reactive to little things that cross our path.
It seems cliche to mention the exercise where you tense and then relax different muscles in your body, but when you’re next lying down, take note. Do you allow the bed or the floor to take your weight or do you hold the tension in your body even when you are technically ‘resting’? When you’re sitting, lower one ear down towards your shoulder without raising your shoulder? How far can you go? How much tension are you holding in your neck?
Our bodies hold tension when it is present in our thinking. If we are already holding tension, our physical capacity to bounce back or respond is reduced. Think of an elastic band already stretched; it cannot adapt as easily as a band at rest.
By choosing contentment, we have greater capacity to deal with the unexpected things that life throws our way. Of course, there are other things that ease tension, but contentment is a good place to start. It sets you up for making change where necessary.
When stress or discontent is your default thought pattern, your planning stems from a sense of lack or need. A sense of urgency or desperation creeps in where you want creativity and inspiration to flow.
If you start from a place of contentment, your planning is more likely to incorporate good ideas and problem solving because you already have ‘enough’ and you move forward in a similar vein. You operate out of abundance rather than lack. Your thinking is wired differently. You can be realistic and be content, this is not idealism or optimism, it is a choice.
Where you look, you will go. If you are discontent, you view things through that lens. This is where longing for the future kicks in: “If only I was on holiday,” “If only my kids were a bit older,” “If only this situation eased.” or “Once we earn $x, we can start being generous…”. When you get there – you are still you and your mindsets remain. You will create another future qualification to contentment because that is your habit.
But what do you have now? What is in your hand to use in the interim?
It is easy to compare ourselves with others. It only takes a second to perceive that a friend or someone else has something that might fill us. We see something that we desire and where there is discontent, suddenly there is a gap between what we have and what we perceive that we need to feel whole or happy.
So how do we become content? Start being thankful for what we have now. A fellow hostel dweller quoted her mother: “count your blessings”. It’s a really good idea. Especially when you see lack in your circumstance, count your blessings, specify them, list them out – even if it’s only in your head.
I take notice of how far through a project I am because I am looking for something to be thankful for – “yay, we’re xxx of the way through!” That’s just the way I’m wired. I look for milestones to celebrate. Others don’t understand why I even care. You have your own way to process things. How do you become content with your days?
When you realise what is already in your hand, the sense of lack diminishes and is replaced with what you do have, what you can use. If you are unhappy with what is in your hand, hopefully you have the opportunity to change it. But at least you have something in your hand to start with, you can be thankful for that.
When we are content, that wonderful thing that happened to our friend becomes something that we can celebrate with them instead of something that stirs discontent. When we celebrate with others, we share in their joy, adding their joy to our own and therefore experiencing more joy than we would have alone.
We are created for community. How wonderful to engage with community as it is, in joy, in the mundane or in mourning.
Contentment matters. It changes the way that you experience life. It creates a margin of capacity around your borders, allows you to plan objectively and increases your ability to experience joy.
Saint Paul said this: “I am not saying this out of need, for I have learned to be content regardless of my circumstances. I know how to live humbly, and I know how to abound. I am accustomed to any and every situation–to being filled and being hungry, to having plenty and having need.“
What is it that you need more of? Is it x, y and z or is it contentment? What are you thankful for today that might shift your focus toward contentment?
