You know those people who use fancy words in their everyday language? I’m not one of those people. Yet, twice in the last two days I have come across a word that I don’t usually use. It is the opposite of the word that would have been the basis for this blog. Where my subject was going to be authenticity, suddenly it has flipped to this word appearing out of nowhere: pretense.
Pretense is a claim made or implied, especially one not backed up by fact. A false show, a simulation. It’s related to the words pretend or pretentious.
We all pretend at times. We pretend that we are enthusiastic, pretend that we’re not tired, we pretend that we have it all together – we fake it ’til we make it.
Then there’s deeper faking like coming up with elaborate strategies to hide our weaknesses, piling on makeup to feel good about ourselves, or copying others to fit in.
What we’re really trying to accomplish with our false show, is to be accepted. The assumption behind a false show is that we’re not enough as we are.
There is wisdom in not revealing everything about ourselves to every person. Not every person has the character to carry precious things with care. Some people trample about with no spatial awareness, physically or emotionally.
But when we bend to meet everyone else’s expectation, we trample on ourselves.
I had a friendship that started really well, I was open and honest and I could be myself. We got on great! Over time, the disapproving looks and comments grew, starting as funny quips and developing to actual telling offs. So, I changed. I started walking on eggshells around this person and tried to behave in a way that they would approve of.
What was their response? Well, I still never measured up. Or, if I did do something they liked, their response was genuine surprise.
What happened to me? I became a shell of my former self. (Cue last week’s blog)
I was the actress in a false show. A monologue. And I just about lost myself in the process. Because, if your default is pretense, you start to forget who you actually are.
In my thoughts, I wistfully remembered when I was a teenager and was just me. I dreamt of how I could become that person again. But as time marched on, I realised my teenage years were so long ago that it was now ridiculous to pretend that my teenage self was the real me. What I lived now, that had become the real me. I didn’t like that person at all. It was time to change.
So how do you become yourself again after years of cover ups?
Here is a word of wisdom from Grant Mahoney: “Start with the little you have left. Don’t worry about the things that you’ve lost, don’t start there. Feed what you have.”
Feed what you have. That begs the question: What do you have?
What will you feed? Who are you at your core? Who do you want to become?
To transition from a false show to a genuine one takes bravery, understanding and learning. You’ve been so intent on perfecting the false show that your reality has grown dim.
First step, figure out what is really you.
Do you clothe yourself with false confidence, so no one realises the anxiety behind the facade? It takes bravery to face that fear, understand where it stems from and learn ways to overcome it. Fear is to do with punishment. What outcome sits at the source of your fear? Feeding what you have might mean acknowledging those things you are good at. Develop genuine confidence in those things you know well and identify areas for growth. This acknowledges where you’re at with a plan to stop you from getting stuck there.
Do you live with imposter syndrome and believe that if people saw who you really are, you would get rejected or ejected from a position or a friend group? How could you upskill? Are there identity issues to work through? Who could walk you through the process of accepting yourself? Are there other roles or friendship circles who might accept you for who you are? Could you spend time with them?
Do you seek approval and validation from others and can’t stand the idea of not being noticed? What is in your hand already? What bravery, understanding and learning might it take to feed what you have? This is a deep identity issue. I’ve said it a few times lately, people cannot give us everything we need. To understand our true value requires a relationship with our creator.
You have a purpose. There is something unique about you that if we missed it, we would collectively be poorer for it. You are enough, without pretense. You might be quirky or analytical, but you matter. Your perspective is valuable.
What happens when you let down the pretense and become yourself again? Some people will prefer the pretense version, and they will probably fall away. It’s sad but true, you can’t please everybody.
On the flip side, you will find others that value you for you. You will find people who feel like ‘home’ because you can be yourself around them.
You will function better with your mind, will and emotions in harmony; less roles to remember, less stories to maintain, less effort at appearing integrated when you’re running several scenarios in your head at once. Rather than going through the motions, you might discover a new passion. Rather than pretending to be someone else, you can experience what it means to be you.
It might take a while to find your new rhythm and develop the real version of yourself, but your community will become richer as you find your place. There will be special roles that only you could ever fill. The pretentious version of you ignored aspects of who you are. Imagine finding your genuine contribution.
Pretense is not a word that features in our everyday language. Still, we live in a world that values authenticity because it seems so rare. Be brave. Step out of pretense and learn to interact genuinely with those around you. Who might you become?
