Yesterday afternoon I drove over a hill to see smoke rising from a residential area. The thought crossed my mind as it often does – I hope that’s not a house on fire. Surprisingly as I got closer and drove past the property, I saw that in fact, for the first time ever, it actually was a house on fire. Cars and trucks were pulled up on the roadside and I could see people calling emergency services. Smoke was wafting from the cracks between the roof tiles, but at this point, there were no flames in sight.
It was confronting, but weird that I couldn’t see the cause of the smoke, just the smoke itself.
What a picture of the way we function: others can’t see what is going on inside of us, but they can see what emanates from us.
Of my three sons, two have directly opposite personalities, they process things completely differently. There was a lot of smoke in their relationship when they were young. I constantly spoke to them about how they approached the world differently from each other and that was okay.
It took years for them to appreciate each other’s differences. It was only then that the smoke began to dissipate. During the years of waiting, I found an acronym to stick on the fridge that taught them in how to communicate with each other without fanning the flames of misunderstanding.
That acronym has been coming up a lot lately.
It is the acronym: THINK
In our city there are signs near school gates that tell parents to THINK before they park – I guess they’re hoping that the drivers will consider safety. The problem is that drivers are already thinking – a lot. They’re thinking about running late and their next meeting and what’s for dinner and how they’re going to pay the next lot of school fees. Telling people to think alone is not going to create change.
So what are we supposed to think?
T – Is it true?
When we speak to others, do we just stir with half-truths and gossip? Where there is smoke in a relationship, you can be sure that adding hot air to the situation will fan the flames. Instead, take a moment to check that what we are saying is honest and accurate. When our communication is truthful, it carries more weight and adds something to the relationship.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of the saying to ‘tell the truth in love’. Many a relationship has been broken by a truth teller who is harsh and unmoving, using truth more as a club to swing than as water to a flame. It’s important that we don’t stop with the T. Truth is important, but to be received, there are some other factors to consider:
H – Is it helpful?
I remember being asked to teach on a particular subject, so I did my research and taught it thoroughly. The trouble was, I hadn’t considered how my listeners might receive it. It was a heavy subject and I gave them an information dump without any suggestions on how to process it or what they could do with the information.
During the questions at the end, one of the listeners asked – where is the hope in this? What are we supposed to do with this information?
That was an important learning for me. It’s not enough to receive information – even truthful information. What is the hearer supposed to do with it? Is it helpful?
I – Is it important?
There is a version of this acronym that lists ‘I’ as ‘inspiring’, that gives the sense of sharing positively. That is a good tip to keep in mind.
It also needs to be important, especially where there is smoke involved.
There was something I needed to broach with someone recently and it was important. The thing was that there was so much else swirling that I actually decided to park it for a while and allow other matters to settle first. To help with the issue of timing comes the next letter…
N – Is it necessary?
Something might be important and can be postponed. But if it is also necessary, then you probably need to raise it despite the smoke.
So, we want to share something that is true, helpful, important and necessary – this is still not enough to dive in and have our say. The final letter is:
K – Is it kind?
And this is where we reach the full circle of ‘telling the truth in love’.
What is the attitude behind your words? How will you come across to the receiver? As much as you are able, have you thought through how it could be received and done your best to communicate clearly and kindly?
Even when a thing is necessary and truthful, if you can’t put it across kindly, you’re not going to get the results that you were hoping for. Being kind is exhibiting the qualities of being friendly, generous and considerate.
Can you be friendly? If not, that’s an area that you need to work on yourself. Perhaps pause here and reTHINK.
Is your comment generous? Are you assuming the best of this person or allowing smoke to cloud your view?
Are you being considerate or just barging in with your unsolicited thoughts? How could you present your thoughts in the best way given the receiver’s current circumstance?
THINK
Sometimes the things that we need to raise are challenging subjects and if we can THINK through them first, they are much more likely to be received.
Communication is a two-way process. When we dump our opinion on someone, we think that we’ve got our message across. That is only half of the process. There is a receiver at the other end. If they are preoccupied or hurting, they may not even take in our message, let alone process it to our satisfaction.
Take time. THINK it through and give them space to process their response. Some people process quickly but others need time to sit with a thought and allow it to mull over in their mind before they can respond. If you process quickly, you may expect an immediate response. Think of it instead of planting a seed that you can come back to later with care, watering the seed and watching what develops.
This is especially true where you can see smoke.
You don’t know the path someone else is walking, or how they view the world, but where you see smoke, THINK through your interactions and hopefully you will find that you pour water in a volatile situation rather than fan the flame.
