This week I’m in Turkey, a Muslim nation, where I’m enjoying learning about the culture and the history and noticing differences from home. The majority of women here cover their heads, even many of the visitors. I figure that that is their culture and religion so I have just observed and accepted that fact. Some wear a scarf over their heads, some a full burka. I have no knowledge of head coverings, only the understanding that for them to wear a head covering is a sign of respect and a demonstration of honouring others.
I found myself talking with a local the other day who disapproved of the style of extreme modesty from some of the visitors. It surprised me. I’m the outsider here. I would expect this kind of statement from someone unfamiliar with the culture.
Last week I read the statement ‘we all have a point of view’. I was surprised to hear the point of view of this local. But why does it surprise me? At home people make comments that show their approval, or lack of, on any number of topics all the time.
We all have a point of view. It is easy to judge others based on our values, our preferences, our understanding. It is more challenging to observe people and get curious about why they do what they do.
The reasons come from multiple levels of experience. Their family situation, their culture, their story and more.
We all know the stereotypical differences between the oldest, youngest, middle and only children. They generally hold true although there are exceptions to every rule. Today there are so many more nuances out there; how many siblings are actually in the family, different family units, combinations of parents and stepparents, those things will all shape a person. What was this person’s extended family experience like? How do they view the world, as part of a larger number or independently?
What type of personality do they have? What drives them? That’s a really interesting question that can be hard to figure out. I’ve had a couple of jobs that had monetary incentives, but money doesn’t motivate me, so I wasn’t inspired by what they offered. I still worked to the best of my ability, but the money didn’t provide the spark of inspiration they hoped it would.
Where we grow up makes a difference. I went on a dinner and show cruise the other night. At one stage a singer came out and walked around the guests finding out where everybody came from. Then he proceeded to sing a song in each of the languages represented. I was mind blown. He didn’t just know the most famous languages, but he knew the popular songs from what I would consider obscure nations. But then, I realised that those nations are close to here – it’s not really surprising that he knows them. The nations are really far away from my home, but then again, everywhere is far away from New Zealand. His perspective is completely different to mine.
Which leads me to culture. When the children were young, I overheard a conversation about giving between two other mums. When they gave, they gave of their time, their skills, their love. But the conversation went on to dismiss the giving of money and the people that do so. They grew up just a few kilometres from me. Despite their proximity in wider culture, within their group of friends, they valued practical help over any other type of giving. I agree that practical help is a wonderful thing, but the people that I grew up with also value financially supporting struggling communities through paying for a well in a small village or some other need. Both types of giving are valuable in their own contexts.
What they didn’t realise as they spoke was that they were belittling me. They didn’t know the values of my family. Making judgements based on our own point of view without realising that others are different will lead to us making offensive statements.
We can observe basics about a person and assume the rest, but it is important to hear their story.
I spoke to a young woman years ago who had parents that were loving, forgiving and kind. She told me about them and carried such offense and hurt at the injustice of their kindness – she didn’t deserve their kindness and she couldn’t forgive them for it. She knew what she was really like. She told amazing story after story as damning evidence of their unmerited kindness. This, on one level, floored me. The parents that she described sounded like the parents that most people long for. But this woman’s sense of justice was so hypersensitive that she couldn’t see the blessing of what was before her. It would be easy to judge her as ungrateful, but there must be something deeper here that is not immediately apparent. I am left wondering what happened to lead her to such despair.
Perhaps the challenge comes when we think that we know something about a person. There’s a saying ‘knowing just enough to be dangerous’. When we study something and we’ve read a little bit of information, we can get excited and trumpet that information around thinking that we have a full grasp of the matter. As we read further, we hear differing opinions and perspectives and have to evaluate what we’re reading. Over time, we process the information and start to form our own opinions based on a fuller picture and understanding.
We can know just enough about a person to be dangerous. We can stereotype them, we can assume their reaction to something that happened in their life and as a result we can say the most insensitive, inaccurate things. I could say that this woman was ungrateful, but I don’t think that is actually the case. Where you know a little about a person but don’t know them well, be careful with your judgements – you may only know enough to be dangerous. By holding the little information that you do know and acknowledging the vast amount of information that you are unaware of sets you in a better position to gain more understanding of them over time and holding off making sweeping judgements.
When we make a premature judgement about someone, we then subconsciously look for evidence to support our perspective. Whenever the person proves our perspective wrong, we dismiss the information subconsciously. When we see something that supports our view, we will consciously notice and stack it up as evidence against them. That’s why it’s important not to jump to conclusions with a little bit of information – it will make us narrow minded.
This local understands more than I do, but perhaps he doesn’t know the specific culture of these women and the story that is told in their circles. Or perhaps he does know and after evaluating it, has formed an opinion that is different to theirs.
The reality is that wherever you go in the world, people have a point of view. They’re not always going to be the same as yours. In a day-to-day context, even at home, people have a point of view. How will you handle those points of view? Will you get curious and seek a deeper understanding of who they are and what is behind their perspective, or make a judgement based on incomplete facts?
