Recently, someone shared with me that they were struggling. I downplayed the conversation until a mutual aquaintance shared their concern with me. This person was reaching out for support, and I missed the signals.*
We develop images in our heads of how other people function or how their lives look. It can take a while for conflicting information to register in our brains.
Think of blind love – that honeymoon stage where the couple swoon in each other’s presence. Others looking on can see a few character traits that may prove challenging, but in the early stages the couple have a romanticised image of each other, and no matter how many times others notice the value clashes or red flags, the couple are primed to only see the best in each other.
Fast forward a year or two and they start to get a fuller picture of each other. Why? Because their brains finally realise that they’re lacking evidence to back up their preconceived ideas. The images they built up finally break down to form something new. Some people run at this point, disillusioned and disappointed. But, if they can hang in there through the restructure, their brain will form a new picture of their partner, and they can adapt to the reality before them.
That is, if they are adaptable.
I remember the evening we went to a seminar and the speaker talked about love languages. He said, “turn to your spouse and ask them what their love language is.” So I did.
“What is your love language?”
His response, “surely it’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“Yes, of course it is! But he told us to ask.” I knew for sure that it was words of encouragement. I encouraged him every morning when he went off to work and thought that I was doing a great job.
Eye roll… “it’s acts of service.”
Gulp. It can’t be acts of service! I am terrible at acts of service! My house was a tip, my dishes were piled almost to the ceiling (okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, very slight). I didn’t notice when things needed doing. And I was exhausted with three preschoolers. Gulp. It dawned on me. Not only is the house not pleasant to be in, but he must take the mess as a personal insult! Oh no! Disaster! He married the wrong person! (not that I catastrophise at all)
I didn’t know that I had my husband’s love language wrong. Once I realised, it changed everything. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
When someone speaks harshly, you don’t know what’s really going on for them. Perhaps their reaction carries emotion from a completely unrelated situation that you aren’t aware of. You guess, but you don’t really know. You can get offended, or you can choose to extend grace.
When learning, we go through stages. First, we only know what the teacher told us. It’s all new, but we’re so excited with our newfound knowledge that we enter the ‘dangerous’ stage. We know something, but we don’t know what we don’t know and so we assume that we know it all.
As we continue to learn, we find out about different views. There comes a point at which we are aware of different perspectives and form our own educated opinion.
When your relationship grows, any relationship, whether at work in the community or at home, you constantly revise this person before you. Every time you interact, you build a fuller picture of who they are. When conflicting information arises, you filter it out as an anomaly at first, but when it repeats, you realise the anomaly pops up from time to time. Perhaps it is a pattern, perhaps it is a habit, perhaps it is a character flaw that you need to be aware of.
To learn more about someone takes willingness to accept new information. When we idolise, stereotype, or carry an offence for something that happened months ago, we don’t know the changes in that person from that point on because we put them in a box and lock them in a point in time. To us, that moment defines them and we stop accepting new information or evidence.
We either dangerously place them on a pedestal where they can do no wrong, lump them with the nameless, faceless many and dehumanise them, or label them as wrong or someone to be dismissed and ignored.
So often, ‘idols’ hide a bad habit or a dark secret that their followers either ignore when it’s revealed or end up devastated by the betrayal. They didn’t know about it, so they idolised the person. People are people. It is not healthy for us, or for them, for us to idolise them.
Each person is unique. We all have stories that made us who we are. Lumping someone in a stereotype reeks of prejudice. Get to know them as a person. It’s when people are lumped together, nameless and faceless, that the greatest tragedies unfold. What is this person’s story? What makes them tick?
When we are offended, we block that person out. They will continue to change, it is a fact of life. But we’re going to miss it. We have immortalised a moment and tethered ourselves to it. That’s it. We’re stuck. Notice that they’re not stuck, we are. Offence chains us to the pain, replaying it over and over in our hearts and minds and making us miserable. It’s only by letting it go that we can be free again.
There are people who are not safe for us, they hurt us again and again. But there is a difference between noticing their tendency and learning to be wise in our interactions with them, and carrying offence towards them. We don’t have to wrap ourselves in chains because of their choices. Their why might not be important for now. We just need to know to be careful around them. But let’s be aware that we don’t know what we don’t know and there is a chance that they might change. Let’s not put them in a box. Learn to be wise.
When you walk around knowing that there are things you don’t know, you walk humbly. When people assume that they know everything they are arrogant and usually, wrong. Arrogance is not an attractive trait.
When you give people the benefit of the doubt, they appreciate it. When you have to do it regularly, just notice, you have probably identified a habit or trait. Now you know something that you didn’t before and can decide if it’s something that needs addressing.
Traits like curiosity and humility stem from the reality that all of us only know in part. As we come together, we create a fuller picture. Isolating ourselves through arrogance or offence ultimately leads to ignorance as we refuse to learn from others.
You learn by building on what you know. But what don’t you know? Hold what you know lightly and be willing to adjust your perspective. Just listening to a different point of view without shutting it down is a dying skill. Those who practise it, learn.
There might be signs right in front of you that you can’t see yet because you don’t know that you don’t know. Persevere. We’ve all got blind spots. Keep looking.
*If you are struggling and you reach out for help, your initial cry might rest on deaf ears. Don’t give up if someone doesn’t ‘hear’ you. Keep reaching out. It might take some time before they recalibrate their brain enough to absorb what you’re saying.
