We have all sorts of influences on what we expect in a relationship. We watch how our own family interacts and that makes a big impression on us. As we grow, we visit other homes and see how other families behave. Later, we move out and might live with others; that can take some negotiating. But we have other influences too: what we watch on screens or listen to also shapes our expectations.
As we learn and grow, past influences get drowned out with the new. What we used to hear gets diluted by what we feed ourselves now. We need to assess which influence is better for our wellbeing.
For some, they grow up in a strong family and observe and process relationships from the perspective of commitment and valuing each other. Others grow up observing relationships from the perspective of what’s in it for me? Either of those perspectives can be fed or starved as we grow and make our own choices about how we navigate relationship.
The environment that you create, feeds you. What do you listen to? How do the people around you treat each other? What do you serve your heart and mind on a daily basis?
Who do you allow access to shape who you are and how you see the world?
All of us are in our own heads, viewing the world from our own perspective, but not all of us process that the same way. Some of us devalue ourselves and stamp on our own needs to keep the peace. Some of us think the world revolves around us and assume that everyone else should agree. Still others view themselves fairly, noticing both their good points and their bad, and choose to view others in the same way. No one is perfect.
I have had a few people recently confess to me that they are not perfect, with genuine disappointment. I see that as a really healthy realisation. None of us are perfect. None of us get it right all the time. When we realise that we’re not perfect, we gain humility.
Some people think that humility is self-loathing and putting yourself down; it’s not. Humility is a healthy perspective. Humility is taking an honest look at yourself and taking stock of your strengths and weaknesses and making an accurate assessment of who you are. From this place you value yourself and others.
When I was young, I watched how others responded to things and judged them based on my ideals. I was not humble, I had no awareness of how I might react in a similar situation, yet I judged them anyway. As I grew, I experienced gut wrenching dramas that made me realise that I was less than perfect. I had children young and learnt the hard way that I cannot control how another person reacts. All my learned mechanisms of control and manipulation created unbearable stress as I tried to maintain order externally, without changing myself.
As the youngest of the family by a fair stretch, I had very little to do with anyone younger than me when I was growing up. When I married and had children myself, I was straining back a lifetime to recall anything that could help.
Our nuclear family didn’t operate like the one I grew up in. My old coping mechanisms didn’t work here. What did I expect? What I knew already. But those things didn’t help in my new environment. I started to observe how my friends interacted with their families. I needed some new skills.
I surrounded myself with people who I could learn from. I created an environment to fill the gaps created by being the youngest.
In saying that, the family I grew up in was a strong family unit. That foundation created a platform to grow from. Others don’t have that platform. They’re starting from scratch. The thing with foundations is that they are imperative to the structure of the building. If your foundations aren’t strong, it is worth the time and effort to rebuild them.
How do you know? Here’s a question for you: Do you see yourself as equal with others, better than others, or of little value? Strong foundations are level. You carry value and others do too. But if you think of yourself as better or worse than someone else, your foundations probably require some work.
Where we expect others to be above or below us, we’re creating instability.
If you know that you grew up in a setting where the foundation wasn’t stable, you are not stuck. You can adapt your environment now and begin feeding yourself healthy examples, healthy input, healthy perspectives; learning a new way to value yourself and others.
Just these last two days, I edited someone’s website. They wanted it done for ages but had lost contact with the guy who created it. They thought it would cost the earth to get it done, but because I developed the skills through my editing training and through doing this blog, I was able to help, at very little cost to them.
Surrounding yourself with the right skills and training for relationships doesn’t have to be expensive. Observe a friend that you admire, listen to podcasts, learn from those who have walked the journey.
Our radio show, Faith Matters, incorporates other segments. One of those segments is Marriage Matters. Jax and Umberto have an incredible story of transformation. They share their story, their learnings and the fruit of their choices freely on our show. They married years before they began their faith journey. Jax had just made a decision to pursue God when infidelity entered the equation. She received counsel to leave the marriage yet felt strongly that God was inviting her deeper – deeper into relationship with him and into a deeper, more fulfilling marriage. It wasn’t easy and she had to persevere, yet today, they have a strong marriage as testimony to God’s faithfulness and to the benefits of working through the hard stuff.
Change is possible. You are not stuck where you are now.
When Jax’s surroundings screamed at her to run, she chose to surround herself with God’s presence, strength and faithfulness and fed on the fruit of that.
Your expectations have a big part to play in how satisfied you feel when someone drops the ball. If you watch lots of movies and curated posts, you might expect unrealistically high standards that no one can meet. That manifests as disappointment after disappointment.
If you are disappointed by life, or the people around you, ponder: what do you expect? What do you compare your friends and family too? How might you adjust your expectations?
It’s not that you’re bad or they’re bad, remember, none of us is perfect. Could you serve yourself a better diet of influences? What would it look like to search out one positive influence that you don’t have already? Observe one person with healthy boundaries, watch one positive reel, listen to one podcast.
When your expectations are realistic, they are more likely to be met. Met expectations equals satisfaction. Satisfaction creates contentment.
Once upon a time you were influenced externally. Now, you get to choose what you consume and the environment that you live in. What do you choose?
