Over the weekend, a man posed the question – wouldn’t it be easier to be unoffended if the person wasn’t being offensive? For sure! I talk a lot about our responses and from time to time it is good to look at things from another perspective. I don’t write this pointing the finger. Although certain memories and situations spring to mind where someone else was being offensive, I’m sure there are just as many times that I was being obnoxious to someone else.
Becoming unoffendable has a lot to do with how we respond to situations that we have no control over. The man who posed the question is right. If someone isn’t being offensive it is much easier to respond well. Not everyone reflects on their communication style. I don’t think anyone really wants to be ‘that guy’, the one that is offensive and completely unaware of it, yet from time to time we all fall into this category.
I’m not exploring the ins and outs of political correctness, people will get offended at the way you speak whether you keep the rules or you break them. Know who you’re speaking to and what is appropriate to them. I’m talking about deeper traits that lead to issues for those around us. When we occasionally slip up, people who know that it’s out of character will hopefully extend some grace. But when our character leads to repetition of hurtful behaviours, our friends, family and colleagues learn to brace themselves when we’re around to protect themselves from what we create.
The heart issues that spring to mind are pride and finding amusement in the discomfort of others.
It’s really interesting to listen to the way people tell their stories. Where someone has held a role for a long period of time, they develop a sense of power. They may become dismissive of others or scathing of someone with less prestige than them. They expect respect and are genuinely shocked when someone doesn’t honour them in the way they think they should. Sometimes it is not a longstanding role that leads to a feeling of superiority, sometimes it stems from urgency, pressure and becomes ingrained in the culture of a group of people.
I helped at a camp many years ago and there was one group of volunteers who carried themselves differently than the rest. There were volunteers helping in the kitchen, on security, in the marketplace, the cafe, cleaning and more. Volunteers were all over the place and I got to serve them all, alongside the campers themselves. The team involved in onstage production expected their coffees to be priority. I understand that they were on a schedule and we did go out of our way to get them through quickly, but their attitudes were very different from the other teams. They didn’t consider that other volunteers had schedules and priorities too, their vision didn’t reach much further than their own circle.
When pride seeps in, our universe revolves around us. We consider consequences in our own world and cease to consider the implications of our decisions on others. This is a recipe for careless words, unreasonable expectations, and overstepping boundaries. When our world is all about us, we can run roughshod over others without even realising it. From time to time, we all fall into this category.
In my culture, we value people who are down to earth. Other cultures do not necessarily share our values. In some cultures, saving face is a high priority; vulnerability or authenticity is something to dismiss rather than cultivate.
If you have tension in multiple relationships and you’re wondering what might help, take stock and see if you’re considering others in the way you conduct yourself, or do your decision making and priorities revolve around you.
When you notice a character trait in someone else, beware. Sometimes we recognise things because we relate to them. It’s not always the case, but if you can see pride or arrogance in someone, take a long look in the mirror to make sure it’s not a reflection that you see.
The other tendency is those who enjoy winding others up. A little bit of fun is good, but these people don’t take the cues when they have overstepped the mark. They enjoy the discomfort they create in others and find amusement in the process. It doesn’t occur to them that the other person would prefer not to be distressed. They see distress as entertainment and get surprised to find the other person distancing themselves. They may even seek these people out because they know that they’ll get ‘a good reaction’ out of them.
I’ve been on the brunt of this situation plenty of times. Over time, I’ve learnt not to get emotionally invested when natural banter warps into mind games and power plays. I have observed pain in others as they try to preserve relationship with someone who is in a position of influence, yet that person’s behaviour does not create space for healthy relationship. Navigating a relationship where you are not valued is difficult. It takes a particular resilience.
Emotions are powerful and when they run negative too often, it can be difficult to redirect them into positive channels. Common goals and positive interactions build relationship, but if negative exchanges are too common, the relationship may erode. We’re all human, we understand that everyone has a bad day, but unhealthy patterns don’t correct themselves by themselves; it takes intentionality to address patterns in a relationship.
Again, if you feel undervalued in one relationship, double-check that you’re not compensating for that by making power plays in another. Are you reflecting the same behaviours that frustrate you with someone else in your world? How might they be feeling about it?
What do we do to create a safe space? Define the boundaries. It’s not necessarily helpful to put up a wall, though that may be our tendency. We can learn to navigate relationships like we navigate fire. We know fire is necessary, it’s helpful at times, but we need to treat it in such a way that we don’t get burnt.
We don’t have to quench the fire that’s burning within healthy boundaries – we need to learn how to function alongside it.
A wildfire though? One without boundaries? That’s a different story. A wildfire must be contained before irreparable damage takes place.
It would be so helpful if those people who push our boundaries would stop. But the likelihood is that they will continue. Where they’ve grown wild, how can we contain their impact? Behaviour patterns don’t usually change without a significant catalyst. It is us that must grow and change to survive the process.
When we look back over our lives, it is the hard times that lead to the most growth. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but challenges can end up for our benefit. Would I like others to be less offensive? Yes! But I understand that I don’t have control over someone else’s behaviour. I can only manage me.
