I had two twelfth birthdays. It was great, I spent the day at school with my friends then went to the airport and got on a plane to Hawaii. The international date line sits between here and Hawaii. I left in the evening of my birthday and arrived at 6:30am on – my birthday!
As we wandered around the shops and the beachfront, I didn’t just ask dad for the things I liked, I suggested they’d be great birthday presents.
A guy was selling jewellery. This wasn’t any old jewellery. He had a bucket of oysters beside his hut, and you could count one, two, three, aloha! and open the oyster to see if there was a pearl inside.
Seeing it was my special day; I convinced dad that I should give it a go. I opened the oyster to find a beautiful pearl. Dad negotiated a necklace for me and the jeweller proceeded to drill and glue the pearl into position. Mum lined up to choose her pearl. Dad negotiated her necklace, but it was much smaller than my one. I stood awkwardly, she stood awkwardly, both of us knew it was out of order for my necklace to be fancier than hers.
Then came the moment of clarity. Dad handed over a couple of bills, and we looked at him to say “and the rest…” His eyes widened. He misheard the price. He thought that my necklace was on special, that it was a similar price to mum’s. He was wrong. It was too late; the pearls were in position.
So recently, when Maree started talking about how her life was full of possibilities and the world was her oyster when she was young, I could picture what that looked like. Back in Hawaii, there were so many possibilities in how we might use our pearls.
It started when I told Maree that I ate too much chocolate and I felt sick. It became a conversation about alcohol and the effect it had on her during her youth. When alcohol became a big part of her story, her luster for life dimmed. She used alcohol to cope amidst her surroundings (for the full conversation, click the link at the bottom of this blog).
Alcohol masks who we really are. We can use it to escape reality. We can bury our feelings: painful feelings that we don’t want to experience, or feelings that are blocking us from achieving something courageous.
Why would I have too much chocolate? To give me a lift? If I’m going to chocolate for an emotional reason, it’s easy to have too much. Chocolate is not going to resolve an emotional issue. I eat a little more, hoping that it’ll meet my need, but it can’t do that. It is just food.
Vices range hugely, from legal to illicit, from little effect to dangerous, from bad habit to addictive and our tolerances for each differ. I am easily addicted to caffeine. I also drink really quickly. Put these two facts together and I steer clear of stronger addictive substances.
When I drink coffee, an occasional cup suffices at first. Before long, I enjoy a cup most days, then every day, then a couple per day. Eventually, I get ill and I have to stop.
There’s a verse in Ephesians 5 that says
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit…
Debauchery means extreme indulgence in bodily pleasures. Something that seems like a harmless numbing at first, leads along a path toward feeding self with diminishing consideration for others.
In my world, coffee does the same thing. Sure, it doesn’t have as extreme an effect, but my appetite for coffee grows exponentially. I either exercise self-control, or I slide into a self-perpetuating habit.
Our conversation led to the idea of courage. Where do you go to for courage? If you have a hard conversation coming up, do you go to your vice for courage? How does that work out for you?
Why might the writer suggest that we exchange God’s Spirit for getting drunk?
Three things come to mind: love drives out fear, relationship with our creator makes us more ourselves, and self-control is linked to God’s Spirit.
Fear has to do with punishment. Why are we really scared to sing at karoke? Because we believe that others will make fun of us. Why don’t we want to dance? Because we don’t want to look uncoordinated. Why don’t we want to be honest with this person? Because we don’t want them to reject us.
Where do we go for our approval? If it is to our friends or family, we can be sure that they’ll fail us at some point. They’ll get to a moment when something is going on for them, and they can’t respond to us how we want or need.
We numb ourselves, to dampen the effect of the inevitable.
What if we didn’t find our approval in them? What if we found our identity in the one who created us for a purpose? What if we were loved and accepted even when we weren’t at our peak? What if we had grace to make mistakes and learn? Would that be worth exploring?
When we reach for a vice, we become less ourselves. We might put on a persona or use it as a way to receive what we long for without the vulnerability it takes to experience that with another person.
Why does someone turn to pornography, which leads to objectifying another, when connection is supposed to be the goal? Does fear have a voice?
What if we invited God’s Spirit into our situation and we learnt to trust? What if we let go of our need to control? How would that affect our relationships?
People inviting God’s Spirit into their situation become more themselves. They have that hard conversation, trusting that God’s Spirit will give them wisdom. They step out and do that thing that they were created for, even when it’s terrifying. They live with peace in a world of tension. Why? Because their identity does not lie in the acceptance or rejection of their peers; they know they are accepted as they are.
Where our vices hide our true selves, being filled with God’s Spirit gives us meaning, direction and courage to step into who we really are.
Sit with someone who is being themselves. What is the sense that you get? Joy, peace, hope. We like being around people who are free. Free to be themselves… does that give a sense that when we’re not being ourselves, we’re not free?
Vices look attractive, they can even feel good at first. But which direction are they leading us?
Self-control is described as a fruit of God’s Spirit. God himself can grow our ability to place healthy boundaries around our habits in a way that we can’t. Willpower is not enough. There are plenty of tools out there that can help, but for a deep, spirit transformation, it takes a spirit connection with the one who knows your design.
When we are slaves to our vices, they dictate our habits and lead us toward indulging ourselves. Indulging ourselves will impact our relationships whether we notice it or not.
Taking offence is a form of indulging ourselves.
Becoming self-focused shrinks our world. Rather than the world being our oyster, full of possibility, we look at how our world can serve us and our needs. With us at the centre, it’s like we’re creating a vacuum, sucking the life out of everything and everyone around us.
When we ask the question: what am I created for? We look outside of ourselves to find a place to contribute. We consider others and how we can build them up. We find the courage to be who we were created to be.
Suddenly other people’s opinions don’t matter quite as much. Our direction ceases to point inward, and we start to speak life. We start to make a difference.
Often your biggest struggle gives hints at the area that could be your biggest contribution. How might you shift the direction of your impact this week? What potential is before you? How will you respond?
