Perhaps you have seen or created shadows with your hands by moving them close to a light source and telling a story. The powerful image that projects on the wall is so much bigger than the hands that shape it. To watch the shadow is often more engaging than watching the hands because it tells a story.
When we’re interacting with each other, we make quick assessments as to what is going on. We do it all the time. Someone is sweating – Have they just been for a run? Are they nervous? Is it hot? Are they unwell? We look for indications of what might be the cause and then make an assumption. Sometimes we’re accurate, sometimes we’re not.
When we make assumptions about a person but we’ve made a mistake, it can be embarrassing to realise that we were wrong. It can be humbling to have to adjust our thinking. Perhaps the bigger challenge though, is to see that we are projecting our own shadows in the first place.
One of the techniques that we use when we meet someone that we like is mirroring, most of the time we mirror without realising it. If our friend is talking with their arms folded, we might fold our arms too. If they’re holding their mouth a certain way, we might match their expression. We naturally look for things in common with a person. But what happens when we see something in common that isn’t there?
Projecting onto another person is when we throw our own impression on to that person and assume that we have gained understanding about them. What we have really done is to magnify our own shadow or story on to them. It might be based on our experience, on our needs or on our expectations.
When we interact with people, we see through the lens of our own experience.
Perhaps you have a strong emotional reaction to something that was said. You feel it so deeply. It brings a story to mind and you resonate with the experience that you have had before.
I was listening to a speaker yesterday who shared his story with us. One of the responses in the question time was not actually a question. A man said “I feel hate coming from you sir.” That floored me. I had just listened to the story and I had felt no hate. I had to wonder, was this man projecting his own strong emotion about this topic onto the speaker? The speaker replied calmly and articulately and the man in the audience started to argue with him. It was fascinating to watch.
How do we know if we’re projecting? Ask. Ask to clarify – “I feel hate, is that how you feel?” (probably start with a less volatile emotion) . Often other people can see when we’re projecting an emotion before we can. So we can ask someone removed from the emotion of it – Did I overreact? Was I reading it right or was it just me?
If you have had a painful experience with something similar in the past, you might project the emotion of that experience into the here and now and make assumptions about the person in front of you today.
Equally, if you have had great experiences in the past, you might not notice that this person has a different motivation than you have experienced before. You might assume an outcome and be surprised to see that this person is quite different to what you thought.
When we interact with people, we see through the lens of our own need.
I show you a piece of wood. What do you see?
You might see it as fuel for a fire. If you have a dog, you might throw it as a toy. If you are into art, you might see a sculpture waiting to be revealed. If you like insects, you might see an opportunity to find life. If you build things, you might assess its strength or grain or buoyancy for a project you have in mind. If you are concerned for the environment, you might establish how that wood was sourced.
If I showed it to you thinking that you could use it for a project, but you threw it for the dog, I might get upset. If you put it aside for an art piece and I burnt it on the barbeque, you might get upset.
Hopefully in the analogy of the piece of wood you can see that it has multiple uses. The issue of projection is when we assume that the other person shares our interpretation and they don’t. That can lead to conflict.
Again, we can ask genuine questions to see if others are on the same page or not. What is their need? How do they view the situation?
When we interact with people, we see through the lens of our own expectations.
When our expectations don’t match what’s happening we can quickly become frustrated. When we’re trying to walk alongside someone but they’re actually heading in a different direction it’s a challenge. One or both of us need to adjust.
If we’re playing mother hen and tucking others under our wing assuming that they share our goals, assuming that they are travelling the same way as us, we might be surprised to have them pushing away. To over shadow someone with our expectation is unlikely to have the outcome that we are after.
Having conversation helps, setting more realistic expectations helps. And how do we do that? Ask questions. What is working for you? Where are you heading? What are our shared plans? What will we do differently from each other?
We are making quick assessments all the time. We need to make assessments. We can throw our impression on to a person quickly and assume that we have gained understanding about them. What we may have done is to project our own understanding on to them. It might be based on our experience, on our need or on our expectations.
The thing is to be aware of whether we are in fact seeing things clearly, or are we creating a reflection that simply isn’t there? The challenge is to accurately assess if we are projecting our own shadows or if in fact this person really is responding the way that we think they are.
The powerful image of a shadow story can stir us deeply. The projection on the wall seems so clear. But look closer, gaze longer and watch the hands that shape it to see what is really going on.
