Every time I caught him on his phone, he was staring in wonderment at the current PGA Tour. Again and again, he’d pull out random facts or comment on this guy. Videos, news articles, you name it, he was pulling it up. Finally, I called him on it and he confessed – it was months since he last played golf and he was living vicariously through a young player on tour.
This past weekend, Jackson Koivun, 21 years old, won first place in the 3M Open. This was only his third PGA start.
We chatted about the PGA and eventually he asked his wife “Do you know what PGA stands for?”
“Of course,” she said confidently, “Professional Golfers’…” there was a pause, “Association.” That word ‘Association’ has stuck with me.
Association means an organised group of people, a connection between things, or a mental link.
Of course, the Professional Golfers’ Association is an organised group of people. But for some, PGA means something else entirely. PGA can also stand for Parliamentarians for Global Action, Peoples’ Global Action, Producers Guild of America, the list could go on.
Several of our family members are members of the Chartered Accountants of New Zealand. We get things in the mail. Invites, magazines, letters and knick knacks lie around with CANZ on them. That’s been a part of my world for over 30 years. A few years ago, one of those accountants started up the Construction Alliance of New Zealand. Suddenly we got invites and messages and mail with CANZ on them – and they had nothing to do with accountants!
This played with my head. CANZ is an organised group of people, but it is also my mental link with that group. Now when I hear or see CANZ, I have to assess whether it refers to accountants or builders.
As challenging as realising every time I see that acronym I have to double check it, is realising that some of our relational associations or mental links may need redefining.
We all know that test that psychologists or psychiatrists perform: They show an image or word, and you say the first thing that comes to mind – that is association. It gives a good indication of your experience to date. But our associations can change.
CANZ is a perfect example of one way our associations can change. We’re confronted with a new reality that becomes part of our life and we have to acknowledge it. At first, I didn’t realise, then I forgot or became confused; now, I automatically look deeper for clues about who this thing refers to.
Sometimes we know there’s a connection there, but we haven’t taken the time to establish exactly what that thing represents. I knew that PGA was a golf tour, I’d never taken the time to articulate what PGA actually stood for. Professional Golfers – that makes perfect sense in the context of what I know about that particular association.
My first thought when I came across the Producers Guild, was food producers. I grew up in a farming family. But when I read the small print, I saw it’s actually a group for film, television and new media producers. It’s not what I first associated it with at all. That new insight helps when I refer to the Producers Guild. It’s not an association at all, but a guild of a geographic location – also helpful information.
All of us make associations. Not necessarily the organised group kind, more of the connections and mental links. When I mention golf, some of you will be enthused, others will shrug and link it with cricket in a back corner of your brain; associating slow-moving sports together.
When someone changes their name, you may be an early adopter, embracing the change and remembering it every time. Others will remember the old version and have to talk themselves through to the new version, perhaps struggling to even remember what the new name is. We release the old quickly or slowly, depending on how elastic our brain is and how strong the original association was.
Which of your relational associations might need redefining? Have you boxed someone in a way that is no longer a true reflection of who they are? Change is a constant in life. Love it or hate it, we change. When we’re close to someone, we might not notice the incremental change taking place. Do we have them boxed under an old acronym that needs updating? Do we need to take a step back to take in the bigger picture or lean in to go deeper?
That stern family member – have they softened in recent times? What brings them joy? Do you know what shaped them? It’s always really interesting going to funerals of people who have lived full lives. You hear the eulogy and realise the depth of their story. Older people are shaped by their story; so are the rest of us.
Who might you spend time with to redefine and clarify who they really are?
Who do you microanalyse and could ease back on to see a new perspective?
Sometimes change happens in a moment, sometimes a new perspective takes time to form. It might be you who changes, it might be them, but you can be sure that one of you is different from the last time you checked in.
The other day, I was chatting with someone I hadn’t seen in a while who is very articulate, very witty and very impatient. I associate them with debating for fun and ‘woe betide anyone who happens upon an argument with them’. To my surprise, they warmly welcomed a newbie into the conversation and told the funniest story. The debating seems to be getting less frequent. Perhaps I need to update what I associate them with. Kind and caring are descriptions rising to the surface. The other aspect is still there, but it seems to be softening.
We teed off at the latest PGA tournament, but where did we land? How does the PGA tour have any connection with relationships? Through a few mental links and a change in perspective, you could land it somewhere in the midst of your situation.
The associations you make in relationship influence your expectations and the way that you approach people. Double checking those associations may be easy or challenging, depending on the way you’re wired, but either way it is worth updating your thought patterns to match the reality of your situation. We all change. Our past does not define us.
Choosing to accept someone for who they are today might transform your relationship. Perhaps you can start a new association today. No paperwork required.
