It came out on the radio. We were talking about pegs. Years ago, a Plunket nurse told me how to tell when your toddler is ready to start potty training: wait until they start making patterns. Wait until they arrange pegs in colours. Wait until they can do that puzzle that stacks different sized objects from big to small or vice versa. Recognising patterns is a sign of maturing.
When I think about patterns my mind goes straight to stripes or checkers or even houndstooth. But when you think more broadly about patterns on fabric or wallpaper, the options grow: flowers, paisley, animals, you name it. They cleverly repeat the beautiful pattern on fabric or wallpaper, and the skilled seamstress or paper-layer checks how often the pattern is repeated before they begin their project. Is it every 57cm? 1.2m? 32cm? It makes a difference.
Does the wallpaper catch your eye where the pattern doesn’t quite match?
Sometimes we’re mesmerised by a pattern that looks like it’s pulling us in. It seems like it’s multidimensional, yet it’s there, 2D, in front of us. What our brain is doing is an illusion.
When we are young, we learn the basic patterns of living. We learn shapes and sizes. We learn colours and routines. Depending on our experience, those routines will be different. We learn them when we’re little and it doesn’t occur to us that the routines are unique to our situation, we assume that they’re normal.
Fast forward 18 years to the time when we might live with others and we soon find out that others do their routines differently. They grew up with a different pattern.
Until you brush up against someone else, you’re probably not going to notice your pattern. You are so used to it that you don’t even think about it.
But when that colleague or friend does things a different way, that’s when your brain starts firing. There is a pattern!! This person is not following the pattern!!
You can fixate on the point where the pattern doesn’t match.
It is normal to notice. It is even normal to spend a bit of time staring (I hope!), allowing your brain to identify how exactly that point breaks the pattern.
What is not normal is to stay staring. To not move beyond that point because the pattern doesn’t match. To get paralysed by this thing in front of you.
A skilled wallpaperer can tell when a pattern is going to mismatch and will make sure that it happens behind the door or behind a curtain – somewhere that it is the least likely to be seen, or the least likely place to catch the eye.
Where it is behind the door, you’re only going to see that mismatch when you’re in close. You’re only going to see it when you’re fully committed, with the door shut. When that is the case, you’ve just got to reconcile yourself to the fact that the room isn’t square and the wallpaperer has maximised beauty and minimised the flaw. Cold, hard fact.
For an inexperienced wallpaperer, they might accidentally misalign the pattern mid-wall. Hopefully they notice and fix it before they move on, but there are plenty of home-hung wallpapers with a gap or overlap between the drops or where the pattern doesn’t quite line up. The trouble with this is that everyone is going to see it every time they look. It’s visible, it’s humbling and it’s either going to irk you or you will have to reconcile yourself to the flaw.
Some people find it harder to move on from imperfections in a pattern than others.
I look at it uncomfortably and resign myself to seeing that mismatch when I am there. Over time, I acclimatise to the mismatch and don’t really notice it so much. Others do all they can to remedy the mismatch because they can’t stand being confronted with it time and time again.
Sometimes though, that mismatch is done and it’s too late to change it.
We can choose to allow that mismatch to define that space, or we can choose to let our eye fall elsewhere and appreciate the rest of the room.
Where change is impractical, can we reconcile ourselves to the flaw?
So it is with people. We can choose to focus on that point of difference, or we can choose to put our focus elsewhere. Did they really hurt you with malicious intent? Or is there just a mismatch of patterns there?
How do they operate? Is this in keeping with their character? What is their pattern?
We prefer certain patterns over others and that is normal. There are some people that we will gel with more naturally and that is okay. Even when we are different, certain patterns complement each other while others clash.
Rather than taking offence at another person, we can look for their pattern. Our conclusion may be that there is a moment of mismatch here. Perhaps we will conclude that our pattern clashes with theirs. Either way, it doesn’t help us to carry a grudge due to a different pattern.
When sewing, we cut the material to the correct size and shape for the garment. We can make different styles of garment with the same material. The pattern is the same, but it is styled differently. Different styles suit different people. I like the modern phenomenon at weddings where the bridesmaids wear complementary outfits, styled to their particular shape.
A friend used to look unfavourably on big flower prints but then went through a stage of wearing loud, bright flowery shirts. Now he’s travelling and exposed to different fashions, his taste is changing again.
That’s right. We can change.
Where you see a pattern in your life that doesn’t serve you well, you can change it.
You, like me and everyone else, grew up observing certain patterns that seemed normal. Some of those still seem normal even though we know others do things differently. But if you follow a pattern that doesn’t fit well, or isn’t styled to suit you, you can change the pattern.
It might seem normal to you to hold on to that mismatch when it occurs, but holding on consumes your thoughts so that you can’t enjoy the rest of the space. Hurt leading to offence is a pattern you can change. The drama and the drawing in that comes with that pattern is an illusion. It seems real, but it is just an image formed in your brain. It is normal to notice the mismatch. It is normal to try and figure out what went wrong. But then, we can learn to let that mismatch go. We can get on with our lives without being consumed.
Start small. Start with baby steps. A baby learns to recognise patterns before they start putting a new sequence together. Start noticing your own patterns. Which ones serve you well and which ones cause you angst? What are the patterns of those around you? Once you’ve started to notice what is already in front of you, you can start to develop a different process, a different pattern that, in time, can become your normal. The adjustment period will be a little wobbly as you practise a new way of responding, but keep practising, you will get it. Recognising patterns is a sign of maturing and a signal that you’re ready for something new.
