An instruction, written on a temple in Ancient Greece; its insight valuable enough that we still quote it today. Know thyself doesn’t ask who you would like to be, nor who you wish you were. It encourages the practice of introspection.
The trouble with introspection is that it is subjective. We may deny aspects of who we are that others see clearly. Depending on our skill level or awareness, we may overlook things simply because they are so familiar to us that we don’t even recognise them.
Know thyself is helpful in the context that it helps us to interact with our environment and the people around us. We are relational beings created to live in community. Our biology and chemistry are hardwired for connection. There is joy in giving and receiving. We learn from each other. Even as we get to know ourselves, we can apply those lessons in our relationships.
I was in my late teens when I first did a personality test. I remember the wonder of reading the description of my personality type and realising there are others who process things in similar ways to me. It didn’t take me long to look further and find descriptions that matched other family members. Mind blown. There are others in the world that operate like my brothers? They weren’t as weird as I thought? Who knew?
I grew up thinking that our family dealt with issues unique to us. That is true. But there are also people who process things in similar ways to each member of our family. The circumstance is different, the dynamics are unique, but there are others navigating life from a similar perspective.
When my oldest was young, I attended a workshop on the interactions between different personality types. It was another level of being mind blown. Not only are we hardwired a particular way, but we can understand how another person functions and the differences between us. With that knowledge, we can extend grace rather than piling misunderstandings on top of each other to the point that we can’t see past them.
I appreciate the tools of personality type descriptions because it takes the concept of ‘know thyself’ and slides it from the subjective extreme towards an objective framework. I have friends who hate the idea of being put in a box, but I see the frameworks as understanding our shapes better so that we can fit together more snuggly.
We love the idea that we are unique – and I agree that we are! But when the pressure comes on, or our relationships are not healthy, the thought that we are unique leads to beliefs like: no one understands what I’m going through, I am unlovable, nobody gets me, I am too much, if you want it done right do it yourself and, I am indispensable. We isolate ourselves, thinking that we are an island facing our challenge alone, and our behaviour forms around survival rather than our place in community.
Personality descriptions don’t just describe the positive aspects of who we are, they also describe unhealthy tendencies. Different frameworks do this in different ways. Some describe from three angles – one if the person is thriving, one if they’re average and one if they’re struggling. Others point out underlying fears or weaknesses for each personality.
We notice weaknesses and strengths. I, for one, am not goal orientated. I’ve tried a couple of times recently to put a goal ahead of myself and have failed miserably. It’s frustrating. I want to progress this thing and it’s a slow slog. I have to come with something else that works. I know what it is. Unfortunately, it’s not my strong point. However, this thing matters to me, so I persevere. Fortunately, perseverance (or stubbornness) is my strong point, so I will get there.
Fears are not so easily recognised. We might clash with someone and we don’t understand why. Could our fears play a part in what’s happening? The Enneagram personality assessment outlines fears and desires. Some of the fears might surprise you, they might come across as superficial or indulgent because you do not connect with them. Other fears will deeply resonate with you because of how you’re wired. A few examples: missing out on something fun, being wrong, being weak, being insignificant, failing, being rejected, being alone, being overlooked, too many obligations.
Some of those sound very similar, like weakness and failing, but dig deeper. Weakness may require asking someone for help and the very act of asking exposes their deepest fear. Failing on the other hand, has to do with identity. They’ll do whatever it takes to accomplish that thing; they don’t mind asking someone if it means getting the job done. Similar sounding fears, but they display very differently in relationship.
Another pairing: being rejected and being alone. It’s easy to think that when you’re rejected, you’re also alone, but they are not mutually exclusive. Again, rejection could be an identity issue, even for someone who is surrounded by people who love them. Others who fear being alone may go to all sorts of lengths to be with someone even if it is not healthy. For them, the desire to be with someone is greater than the desire to be treated well.
This is where it is good to know yourself. Do you know what your underlying fear is? How does that fear shape who you are and what you do? Can you show empathy for someone else’s fear? Not because you relate to their particular fear, but because you know what it is to feel fear.
When you know what your fear is, you can face it.
When you have a vague sense of foreboding, you protect yourself, not knowing quite what it is that you’re trying to stay away from. Everything unfamiliar carries a sense of danger because you haven’t established whether it is safe or not to engage. You remain on high alert.
We all have fears, but we are not alone in them. Walking alongside someone with different struggles can ease the load when things feel too much. This is why opposites attract. When we extend grace to those different to us, we become stronger together. Their differences are there to rub off our raw edges and refine us.
How are you wired? When you know how you’re wired, you can walk alongside others with strengths where you are weak. You can uphold others where you are strong. You may learn how to navigate differences with grace.
Knowing yourself is not about staring at your navel and making everything all about you. Knowing yourself is about getting a realistic picture of who you are and how that sits in relation to the people around you.
