We grew an eggplant this summer. It was not the first time we grew one, but it was the first time the unripened fruit literally looked like a hen’s egg hanging off the plant. When I look at aubergines I often ponder how the plant could be referred to as an eggplant. Now I know.
We’re all different. Other than identical twins, it just takes one look to see someone is different to us. Identical twins… it might take more than one look.
When something happens, we filter our experience through our own lens. When someone tells us a story, it triggers a memory and suddenly we have a story at the ready to bounce the conversation. We’re constantly looking for similarities.
But this tendency to look for commonality can lead to assumptions. We assume that someone else will process things like we do. We assume that everyone will think our idea is a great one. We assume that when we express ourselves, others will understand where we’re coming from.
The thing is, even when we appear similar to another person, we might actually respond quite differently in the same circumstances.
A guy from the USA lived with us for about 18 months. One time he asked me how we cope eating so much potato. From my perspective, growing up in a family that ate meat, potato and three vege almost every night, we eat a varied diet and don’t eat nearly as much potato as we could.
His comparison, his starting point was different. I understand that; he was from a different country.
What about someone who grew up in the same household or who lives with us now? Do they respond to things the same way we do?
I don’t know about you growing up, but the people under our roof were significantly different from each other.
Say we look to our friends and the people we enjoy spending time with because we have so much in common… can we rely on them to react the same way we do?
In some things, sure. If we’re a bunch who gather around a particular idea or perspective and discuss it in depth, we probably have a pretty good idea of how they will respond to something, still, in some situations some of us will get louder, more passionate, others will withdraw.
How do we wrap our heads around that?
It comes back to the egg and the potato (and the aubergine if we want to include that too).
The same environment affects the potato and the egg differently.
Raw, the potato is hard. Cook it, in any one of a multitude of ways, and it softens. Sure, you can crisp it up, but you want the middle soft.
Raw, the egg is fragile. If you are rough with it, it will not only break, but it is liquid on the inside. It makes a mess. Cook it, and the liquid on the inside firms up. Now you can break the egg, it is still fragile, but it’s not going to make the same kind of mess.
Raw, an aubergine is soft. Cook it and it gets softer. But the aubergine adds another dimension to the analogy…
Before you cook an aubergine, you salt it. Salt draws out the bitterness. Eating an aubergine that wasn’t salted isn’t pleasant. Drawing out the bitterness; that’s an interesting concept.
When mum made mashed potato, she always added salt. I stayed at a friend’s place and they had mashed potatoes without salt. I could hardly hold my face straight. It was so bland in comparison to what I was used to.
Salt brings out flavour. It depends how you cook the potato as to when you add the salt. Mashing or boiling, you add the salt while the potato is raw. Roasting or frying, you add it when the potato is cooked.
With an egg, good luck trying to add the salt first – it would ricochet off the shell. Remember this egg has a protective layer around it.
This simplistic picture of the potato and the egg actually carries nuances beyond the immediate difference of temperature.
If you assume someone has responded a certain way, but you haven’t considered whether salt was added, and if so, at which stage, you are missing key information.
If you cooked and salted that aubergine but you failed to salt it before you cooked it – you might be disappointed. The bitterness is still there. The same salt, the same vegetable, the same temperature, a different outcome.
When you’re puzzled about the way someone reacted, realise that there are many more factors influencing them than you thought. They may have responded to the same circumstance differently, but there’s more.
Are they carrying bitterness or has that been dealt with? Did they sit with the salt long enough for the bitterness to draw out – did the process succeed? If you tried to deal with the bitterness now, would it actually have the effect you hoped for?
Someone else may have hardened, but that doesn’t make them unbreakable. We should still treat them with care and respect. A cooked egg doesn’t make the same mess as a raw egg, but it’ll still get damaged if you drop it.
We don’t enjoy living through the hard bits, yet sometimes the process we go through makes us especially tender, we carry something extra special. Food wise, I’m taking it a step further. Think double cooked – bagels or biscotti… or the smashed potato.
Take a cooked, softened potato and squash it flat. Sprinkle it with salt and put it in the oven to crisp up.
Do you notice that some of the kindest people have lived through the toughest experience? When we think we’ve endured it all, sometimes there’ll be another wave. We might even crack or split from the pressure.
If you are broken, there is healing. You might not look like you used to, but through your unique process, circumstance and the way you have responded, you become something beautiful. You become the very thing people look forward to encountering. Extra process, care and attention goes into developing some people. The process is hard, but the outcome is worth it.
That thing that hurt you may become your biggest strength. Now you can share from experience and not from head knowledge. You have lived it. Your story carries weight. Allow the process to complete. A squashed potato is not going to tell the same story as a smashed potato that has completed the process.
Completing the process makes a difference. Allowing enough time at each stage makes a difference. Knowing that there is more to your life than what you’re encountering now makes a difference.
Looking at that immature aubergine before it ripens, you’d be hard pressed to guess the colour it will end up. The pale oval could easily pass for an egg. But that aubergine will not stay as it is. It will grow and develop and change. For someone who’s only seen ripe aubergines, it’s hard to imagine how it began.
Looking at people, you’d be hard pressed to guess who they might become. Will they leach bitterness or exude tenderness? Even the hardest people can soften.
We all respond to life differently. Be gentle with those around you. You may not understand their process or stage of development, but they’re not always going to stay as they are now. Life will continue to shape them.
You can influence how you respond. You can influence how you treat others. Allow them to mature, you work on you.
