Mum and dad went away, and I was responsible to check on the house, collect the mail, feed the cat… all those good things. I popped in regularly and checked the fridge occasionally. There was a tub of hummus in the fridge. I didn’t know how long it had been there, so I steered clear of it, just in case.
A few weeks later mum and dad returned, and I popped around to welcome them home. I opened the fridge and saw a tub of hummus. I got it out and scooped some up with a cracker. It was delicious. Mum walked into the room and said to me, “oh, don’t touch that, it’s been there since before we went away.”
I was shocked. How could this be the same tub I had avoided for weeks? She’d been home a few days; I assumed that she had been to the supermarket and replaced it with a new one. The shock stayed with me. How could I have made such a sweeping assumption when I had been careful for weeks?
I let my guard down because I looked at it differently. I assumed that because mum and dad were home, this tub was fresh. What I didn’t do was look at it like any other tub of hummus. I vilified it, then I exonerated it and it didn’t deserve either extreme.
Nothing had changed. Literally. It was the same tub with the very same hummus. But my perception was different, I assumed it was fresh.
We make assumptions about the people around us.
We approach people with suspicion. Others similar to them hurt us in the past so our new acquaintances are guilty until proven innocent. Not that we’re going to give the innocent label away easily, we have a wall up and it’s impenetrable for our own protection. We’re not going there.
Other times, we welcome someone with open arms. They feel familiar somehow. Is it familiar patterns or traits? Perhaps they present themselves beautifully and we’re impressed with what we see. The danger here is that when we are blind to their faults, we fool ourselves.
When we allow ourselves to make assumptions about others, we shock ourselves to find that they are not everything that we imagined.
You’re probably wondering why I didn’t look at the best before date on the tub. That is a great question. I wonder that myself. It would have made sense. Under normal circumstances, I check the date on every tub of hummus.
Is it possible to have a more balanced view in a relationship? Is there some way we can check the best before date on a person?!? Perhaps not as such, but we can certainly step back and look at the fruit of this person’s life before we get carried away.
When people gain a platform of any kind, even if it’s just a place of prominence in our lives, we see what is public, but much of life happens behind the scenes. It takes time to observe what grows around this person. It’s a good idea to see someone in different environments before we commit to a long-term relationship. When you go out for dinner, how do they treat the waiting staff? When things don’t go according to plan, what behaviours come to the surface? Where something doesn’t fit the situation, we can ask why even when we don’t find the answer straight away.
In the workplace, what culture do you find? Does it sit well with you? I know a well-respected organisation that operates to a high standard. Those that work there, rightly, stand proud. But when I walked through the office, I could tell just from the posters and the feel of the place that I wouldn’t fit there. It’s not that they’re bad in any way, they’re just not a good fit for me. Take notice of those things.
Knowing that every person is flawed doesn’t mean that we reject everyone. It means that we develop realistic expectations of who they are, what they need, what they offer and what we can offer or receive through the relationship.
For someone who errs on the side of suspicion, you might be surprised to find someone who breaks the mould. Where this person shows up and shows love or respect time and time again, hopefully suspicion softens and you learn that not everyone fits your mould. Remember though, no one is perfect. Everyone will let you down at some point. That is not the time to shout into the void that you knew it, no one is trustworthy; it is the time to assess the situation and see where relationship can be restored in a healthy way.
There are some people who are harmful, or that you just don’t gel with. They might show you respect in exchange for you staying quiet or dependent on you toeing the line somehow. It is okay to keep that relationship at arm’s length. You do not have to share your world in equal portions with everyone.
As you observe behaviour, you realise that it shows an aspect of their character. They might be manipulative and you choose to treat them honourably anyway. You can choose to be wise in your dealings, setting firm boundaries and walk in forgiveness because your behaviour reflects who you are. Their faults do not define you.
When you are pressured to keep quiet when there is something clearly out of order, please, please don’t sweep it under the carpet. Hiding the problem just makes it worse for longer, affecting more people. It multiplies regret. Find out the correct procedure to deal with the issue. Talk to someone knowledgeable, in confidence, outside the situation and allow the issue to surface through the right channels. When someone holds a position of influence, they are still accountable for their decisions and actions.
When we assume that someone is above reproach and we realise that they’re not, it can be shocking and confronting. The healthiest way to deal with it is to bring in into the light with wise counsel.
Do not be fooled by a platform. Everyone has areas of weakness.
Even when we’re shocked, we can choose our response.
Rather than assuming that everyone is dangerous or that someone is above reproach, let’s check the best before date (figuratively!!).
There are times that people make bad decisions, but it doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person. They made a mistake, as we all do. But when the fruit of the person is off, it becomes apparent that it is more than a one-time thing. We need to develop our own discernment to navigate relationships wisely. Sometimes a conversation is enough to get things back on track, sometimes it takes more.
If you’ve made a poor judgement, show yourself grace. You too make mistakes from time to time.
Swallowing what someone says, hook, line and sinker without observing their character over time is a sure way to be disappointed.
Test your own heart. Have you idolised this person or this role to the point that you have moved your boundaries? What do you allow now that used to be a no go? Is that okay? Did you learn some new information that legitimately shifted things, or have your defenses been pushed and pushed until they fell over?
Position or gifting is not a guarantee of character. Assumptions can lead to surprises.
Evaluate as you go, weigh the situation and see what kind of response is required. When you know the character of who you’re dealing with, you can better navigate the ups and downs of relationship.
Face relationships realistically, not with suspicion, nor with rose tinted glasses. Check in from time to time, see how things are really going and make your decisions accordingly. What is the character of this person beneath the charisma and how do you choose to relate to them honourably? There is a normal emotional process when something catches you off guard, but don’t get stuck in that moment. You can walk through it and come out wiser.
