One of the beauties of living in a surfing capital is the number of languages you hear in the streets. Tomorrow, the World Surf League kicks off less than 5kms from where I am sitting. Seasoned surfers are gushing about who they saw out on the waves. Adults and children alike are buzzing from the excitement. An event like this gathers even more people to town with differing cultures, languages, mannerisms, expectations and behaviours.
When the focus is on the drama and action; we will celebrate together, cry together, do life together and enjoy the sunshine. During the down times, the quiet patches and the days when the sea is flat, the times of processing and considering the consequences, these are the times that our differences may magnify.
We mirror what we see. Notice your body language when you’re talking to someone you like; are you both standing with your arms folded? Do both of you balance your weight on one leg? If you like that person you may shift your body to reflect them better, without noticing.
People who study body language can subtly change their body language to influence the room. I was trained to sit back rather than forward when leading a meeting to create a relaxed environment. While roleplaying, I caught myself leaning forward in my chair. I consciously sat back and watched the atmosphere and the conversation shift dramatically as a result.
We tend to mirror others. Perhaps that’s part of the significance of this week for our town. By riding waves alongside the world’s top surfers, the locals will grow as they mirror what they observe.
I saw a lovely lady I know in a photo, years ago. I was distressed by the photo. It was a candid shot that caught her relaxing, contemplating. She looked like she was scowling. You know the type of resting face… they’re not pretty. Every time I looked at the photo, I thought, it doesn’t reflect her at all. Part of me wanted to cheer her up – and she wasn’t even with me.
That photo was real. Unfiltered, not posing, not engaging, just a woman at rest. I didn’t like it because it didn’t fit the image that I have of her. I had to consciously come to terms with the fact that we all have moments that we look miserable when we’re not. We all have moments, mid-word or as we look elsewhere, when we don’t look great. Just ask anyone who’s been on video and the computer takes that moment they’re halfway through a word, face contorted, to display as the thumbnail picture for all to see.
I watched her then. And I spotted it. Her resting face. In real time, I saw her guard come down and she looked like she was scowling. Yet, I knew she was just in a pause. There was no great drama, no disappointment, no underlying issue, just her. She was thinking, pondering a response.
I realised this was just as much a part of her as the engaging, lovely person I knew her to be. She was both / and. Her resting face didn’t detract from who she was, it was just a facet, in passing.
Last year I was at a concert and the lead singer had something come flying out his nose. It took him a while to wipe it away. It was gross. It was several feet long on the big screen. Eventually he wiped it away and he looked normal again. Eww. Did it impact his music? No. He sounded great even with something on his face. I couldn’t look at anything else. All my attention was on that thing. Until it was gone; then I could enjoy the music again.
That’s reality. We live in a culture that filters out the raw bits. It sets certain expectations of how much is enough or too much. We’re all people, coming from our own understandings of the world, we’re not always going to see a reflection in that mirror.
I wonder with all the people from all the different backgrounds and cultures that are descending on our town this week, how many times are we going to see unguarded moments? The ugly ones that we usually see fleetingly.
If you watch sports highlights, you’ll see the slide, you’ll see the fall, but then the camera shot changes and your attention is captured elsewhere. The people there are caught up in the moment, they see the pain or the disappointment etched across the face; they see the wince, they hear the cry.
How will spectators respond this week, or the competitors or crew for that matter? There are bound to be passionate souls who overreact. There are bound to be some who look away. There will be quiet ones. Others will be brash. What do we do when we look at them and we don’t see a reflection?
It’s probably helpful to know that many are gathering from all over the world. It’ll be interesting to see if people fall into stereotypes, I’m sure some will, but others will surprise us. We may need to talk ourselves through the discomfort of seeing people for an extended period with no filters. If we see them in unfiltered moment, it doesn’t define them. If we see an attitude tumble out, we can be curious about what might be behind it. If they don’t adhere to our standards, we can choose how to respond. Are our expectations reasonable in the circumstances? Could we make a simple statement that invites them to think differently? If they don’t behave as we’d expect, how will we respond? We can’t control them; we can only control our own behaviour.
What happens when we look at the people around us and we don’t see a reflection?
If we like them, we’ll adjust ourselves in some way to reflect them better, or if they’re not looking great, we may lend a helping hand to return them to a better space. That’s what happened with that photo. I was distressed because I wanted to help the lady return to her usual state, but there was no way I could do it when she was just a picture.
If we don’t like what they’re doing, we have two choices. We can either ‘come down to their level’ and match their behaviour and attitude, or we can consciously choose a different stance and hope that they make a change to reflect us. It’s not a guarantee. But isn’t it better to respond graciously and have them prove that they’re not in a good space, than to match their behaviour and end up regretting it later?
Where you can’t help and you feel distress, you can talk yourself through. You can only monitor your own responses. Carry yourself well, not every circumstance can be fixed. You may not have the whole picture. That is okay.
It’s the World Surf League that got me thinking about different people coming together, but wherever we go there are people who think and respond differently from us. It might not be as dramatic as coming from another culture; another household or worldview will do. We can get thrown about by different environments, changing ourselves to fit, or we can respond differently and have our own impact on the atmosphere.
Not everyone will take the time to notice what you carry. That doesn’t matter. You live with what you carry, so choose your responses with care.
