I asked a question about his brother. “That is not my story to tell,” was the response. I hadn’t come across that phrase before. When I met the brother, it all fell into place. This guy is unique and his circumstances only make sense once you’ve met him.
The young man protected his brother from my pre-conceived ideas. I visited their house and they were having coloured lights installed in the lounge. At first, I thought that the technician might be his brother. Then someone else came to the door – could that be the brother? There were lots of people coming and going all afternoon. Then finally, the brother walked in, and it was obvious who he was. When I met the brother, I took him at face value and built relationship with him directly. If I had known some of his circumstances before meeting him, I might have remained distant.
That was a good lesson. Since then, I have bumped into the same concept with several others. Sometimes I have to keep quiet and wait to share things because it is their story, not mine. They want to be the ones to share their news.
This idea of waiting differs across the generations. When we were young and had news to share, we would pass it on to a few people and it would ripple out as each person shared the news within their sphere of influence. There was no instant messaging.
Today’s young people grew up with social media literally at their fingertips. All it takes is filming or recording something, then one post and it can go viral. Because of that, young people value their story in a way that we didn’t a generation ago.
When you attend weddings now, you will often hear the instruction to hold off posting any photos of the day until after the couple have shared their official photos. Why? Because it is their story and they want to be the ones to share the good news.
A generation ago, when wedding photos lived in a photo album, the only ones to see them were those who came to visit the house, ie. those who were closest to the couple.
Now, aware that everyone could know in an instant, many people value being able to frame and share their news in their own way. Sometimes they will take the time to share individually with a few people before the news becomes public. Other times they will share it on a public platform. The choice is theirs to make.
Telling someone else’s story can border on gossip in some settings. Other times, it’s just excitement getting out of hand.
If you haven’t bumped up against this concept of considering whether or not this is your story to tell, you might get entangled in a tricky situation. It’s possible to unwittingly share someone else’s news and then find that they’re upset about it.
This would be a perfect storm to take offence. In both directions.
It takes adjustment to consider whether or not a story is yours to tell, but once you’re aware of the fact that it might not be, you can weigh the situation. Sometimes you will make your best guess, other times it is worth asking the question.
One thing I’ve noticed in the last few years is that we think about the impact to ourselves and not so much about how our news might be exciting news for others around us. When we have news to share, it can affect those close to us and in their own way it becomes their news too.
If we have a new job and the family is going to have to move, it ceases to be about ‘me and my new job’, it becomes ‘we’re moving as a family’. Where we might be careful not to share the news too early with our colleagues; at school, our child is reconciling the grief of leaving their friend circle. Our change becomes their story too.
When we are tempted to get upset about someone else sharing our story, let’s pause and consider how our news might affect them and how they too might consider it as part of their story. There are enough people out there who have been unhealthily muzzled in the past, it’s important not to make a person feel like they are chained and not able to express what is going on for them.
Misunderstandings are often about expectations. Where one person or group has an expectation that differs from another, watch out.
We’re encountering mismatch of expectations and experience in more and more settings. I’m listening to a teaching series at the moment which touches on some key issues for a shrinking portion of the population. Some people listening to this series are asking the question ‘why?’. There are good reasons for it, so I point those out when asked. It needs to make sense to those who have never experienced the issues.
In the workplace, we come in with different worldviews. Each view is valid and is based off different experience. The question becomes how do we seek to understand each other so that we complement each other rather than provoke? Each of us have reasons for how we behave. If you’re not sure where a behaviour stems from, ask. Genuinely. Kindly. To understand.
When we know not to share stories that don’t belong to us, we are seen as trustworthy. Others are more likely to entrust their stories to someone who will keep them in confidence. It is in hearing someone’s story that we get a fuller understanding of who they are.
That young man I mentioned had a few opinions of his brother. In discovering the brother’s story myself, I built my own impression free of someone else’s bias. We’re just acquaintances, but I am the richer for knowing him. I’m grateful they introduced me to the concept of ‘it’s not my story to tell’.
