Last year we hosted a wedding at our home. We also hosted a wedding three years earlier when we had just moved in. That first time, I created gardens and found ways to make a building site look welcoming over the hot summer months, when it was dry and uncomfortable outside.
This time, we recently finished an addition to the house and so, again, I found myself establishing gardens and lawns in the driest part of the year.
Healthy pressure and deadlines provide opportunities to accomplish more than we usually would in our day to day.
I had an idea to build a structure where we could put a table and chairs to enjoy the views, even after the windbreak plants grow to their full height. I planned it in my head, bought the supplies and got going. I guestimated that it would take about half a day to build. With only a few days to the wedding, I thought I’d finish it with ease, with days to spare.
The wood that I bought: it was extremely hard; like ‘potential to burn out the drill piece’ hard. After getting the drill bit stuck a few times and finding a strategy that worked, with the help of a friend, it took three days to build the structure. Both of us had ailments that prevented us from working all day on the project. Around pushing ourselves to get it finished and getting everything else done too, we worked under pressure. I created the pressure. It’s true.
Without the time constraint, I wouldn’t have got it finished. Without the help, I certainly wouldn’t have got it finished. Crazy or not, it was a project that benefited from the stress it generated.
The end result? We finished and the garden looked better for it. It looked good for the wedding – that was the point. Now it’s there and the pressure is gone. We can enjoy it.
There are types of stress that benefit us. Stress gets a job done or pushes us to persevere when we would naturally give up. Positive stress is the stress that accomplishes its purpose and eases.
We hear a lot about adrenaline and cortisol these days. I heard so much about cortisol, the long-term stress hormone, creating issues, that I put it in a basket marked ‘bad’. But twice recently, I chatted with parents whose child lacks cortisol. That’s two children with an issue I’d never heard of. Two children with serious health issues stemming from the lack of a hormone I thought was bad. It forced me to revisit the label I placed on cortisol. Cortisol is not necessarily bad. It is there for a purpose.
What does our body really need? The ability to access the right hormone at the right time. The ability to change state. The ability to push through. The ability to say, “job, well done.” Our bodies are designed to adapt to our environment. When we lose the ability to adapt, things get challenging.
Constant stress that we can’t turn off, creates issues. Not enough stress also creates issues.
When you are constantly ‘on’, there is no space to come off high alert, no space for error, no space for interruption, no breathing space, no space to process life. When you are in that state, momentum keeps you there. Slowing down seems indulgent, even lazy.
When you are constantly ‘on’, you’re constantly evaluating, graciousness and kindness bow to efficiency and performance, people become secondary to the task, you don’t have time to develop depth, and you’ll often fuel quiet spaces with music or talkback. Productivity is king, activity is mandatory and busyness or stress become a badge of honour rather than a temporary state.
What does that emanate to the people around you? What do you offer me? Are you worth my time? I can manage your highlights, don’t burden me with the hard parts. This pressure is more important than you. I need distraction, I do not have the headspace to go deeper.
There are certainly times that pressures do require a temporary rearranging of priorities, but when we live in perpetual stress, our priorities skew for an elongated period. Then our skewed priorities become normalised and we fail to reorientate them to a healthy order.
What role does stress play in your life? Do you live perpetually stressed? Do you role with that or have you reached breaking point? How does your stress affect the people around you? When we are stuck in a stress cycle it is hard to get off. Our body or mental capacity may be screaming at us to stop, but we convince ourselves that we can’t. Stopping would let people down or mean failure or more change – things that we can’t fathom coping with in our current state.
Slowing down creates margin: space to enjoy, space to learn and grow, space for the people around you, space for downtime and replenishing, space to process and heal. It’s challenging at first, your whole system wants to stay on the treadmill. There are so many benefits to learning to reach a conclusion and celebrating a moment of completion before you gallop on; benefits for your own system, benefits for the people around you.
Do you lack stress to the point that you have no urgency, and nothing gets done? This is also out of balance. Each of us have something to contribute. Each of us has a purpose. Look around you and find something, somewhere that you could help with or contribute to. Working alongside others is a good way to get motivated. It is easier to let ourselves down than others. How could you create the right kind of urgency to get that thing done?
Let’s not vilify stress, it’s an important tool in our toolkit. Stress is there for our benefit. When kept in check, it helps us get so much done. Left to run rampant however, it whittles away our energy and focus, the very things that it heightened at the beginning.
In a fast-paced world where things only get faster, it takes deliberate intention and action to do things differently. You’re not going to magically step out of stress. If you are in constant motion, your body, mind and emotions create drama to keep up the pace and prevent things that are spinning on momentum from toppling over.
Choosing to introduce balance and rhythm in your life will be uncomfortable at first; quiet may be awkward, you may find yourself itching to get up and get on. Resist those impulses and allow yourself to come down a few notches.
What might the people around you begin to hear when you take time to be with them? You are worth it. I am here for you. Let’s do life together. You are a priority in my life. I care.
Is that something you want to say? Not just give it lip service, but really mean? Perhaps you are verbally saying it already, but your actions cancel your words. If you want those around you to feel valued, perhaps it is time to make a change. If change feels impossible, it’s even more important. When we’re stuck and see no escape, that’s a warning sign. Take heed.
It could take a while for those around us to hear the difference. Where we have lived out of a stress response for years, it takes time to change and time to develop a new signal. This is not a quick fix.
Stress has a purpose; it has many benefits. It is designed to come and go as needed. There is a natural rhythm of activity and rest that together make a healthy lifestyle. Stress is not bad, but it’s long-term effects can leave their mark.
Let’s not wear stress as a badge. Badges point to our identity. Stress is not your identity. You are so much more.
