We’ve all seen the movies, heard the stories – “and they all lived happily ever after.” It’s all rainbows and bunny rabbits, butterflies and flowers. These two have found each other and now the rest of their life will just flow.
Two years ago, we explored family places and connections around the UK. One of the stories I heard on the way was about one particular set of great grandparents immigrating to New Zealand. The husband was so challenging that his sister-in-law moved to New Zealand with them, knowing that the wife would need support.
In early stages of a relationship, both people present the best versions of themselves. As time goes on, cracks in the facade give hints at what is behind any mask. I counsel young people not to hurry into a serious relationship. If you can wait and observe how someone reacts in a difficult situation or when things don’t go their way, you have a better idea of who you’re actually committing to.
How does this person treat others when they aren’t personally invested? What are their priorities? Do they support you or try and change you? How do they treat the waiting staff at a restaurant? What is their attitude when they need to hold something for you? It is good to observe these things.
If we are comfortable with these interactions, there’s a good chance that we start with something in common. Over time, more nuanced situations come up, and we may approach them differently. How did our upbringings train us to respond? Can we handle it if our partner responds differently?
These little moments are the moments that present challenges.
When we first connect, our comfort zones develop within pleasant boundaries. Everything is lovely, and focused on each other. If something is off, we make the time to discuss it or adjust it. This bonds us together. But, as comfort zones do not remain static, they shrink or grow depending on what we experience, when everything is soft and comfortable at the beginning, our comfort zones shrink, setting us up for something uncomfortable later. Everything outside of what we’ve come to expect suddenly seems uncomfortable.
Our oldest was born just four days after our first wedding anniversary. What does that look like in reality? That meant that two young people, trying to figure out life together, had just a few months before being thrust into the uncomfortable. Cleaning vomit off the floor. Dealing with exhaustion. Figuring out how to do life around a completely dependent little one.
Of course, everyone’s story is different. But even when the comfortable is wonderful, life does not remain within our comfort zone.
The great news is that when we know that, and we realise that hard times are not an oddity, we can survive. Our relationships can survive. Not only that, with a few tools in our belts, they can thrive.
Why do people in difficult circumstances build strong relationships? Two reasons spring to mind: their comfort zones expand so they can cope with a greater range of situations, and they brace themselves by leaning on the structure of their relationship rather than trying to balance without support.
All of us have preferences – music on or off, work alone or alongside others, quiet walk or energising activity, cat or dog, morning or evening, casual or smart… The question in relationship is how do we navigate our preferences while living alongside someone who does things differently? When we can’t live exclusively within our own preferences, we grow capability to operate in less-than-ideal circumstances. That is healthy. Push that too far and we create an unhealthy environment where we shut down with no space to refresh and reset.
Figuring out a balance that works for both of us is important for relationship longevity. It’ll take some practise and probably some extremes that demonstrate where our healthy boundaries lie before we settle on what works for us. Life happens too, what worked for us in one season may not work in a different stage of life.
In the early days, we know that we need to work things out. We try and test, we discuss and we settle. As time goes on, are we open to continue the conversation? One partner may continue in the normal without realising the situation has changed, comfortable routines need tweaking. If you’re the one who has noticed, share your insight. Your partner may not have noticed yet. Persevere, it might take some time for them to hear you. Just like a child needs some foods introduced multiple times before they like them, sometimes we adults need to hear things multiple times before we absorb them. When comfort zones are small, it takes a little discomfort to grow them again.
When we feel like we have to walk on eggshells around our partner, we lean on them as little as possible. When we put on a brave face, we act like we don’t need their support. No wonder our relationships topple left and right, we build them like a tower of cards – as lightly as possible to not upset the delicate balance. One wrong move, one breath of wind and the relationship collapses.
Relationship is about give and take. Where one is doing all the giving or all the taking for a long period, things get off kilter. People who live in challenging circumstances and rely on each other build strong bonds. They know that they have each other’s backs.
For this to work, the foundations and structure of the relationship need to be strong. When we lean on each other, cracks and weaknesses are exposed. Just like a home needs regular maintenance and repairs, weakness is not a sign to throw a relationship away, it is a sign pointing to the area that needs strengthening work. When we work on those areas, we strengthen the entire structure. When our structure is strong, our relationship can survive through storms.
If you’re starting out in relationship, know this: your commitment to each other is the beginning. When you know that things aren’t always going to be easy, you won’t be sideswiped when your situation requires reaching outside your comfort zone. When you are stretched, the sweet moments become even sweeter, because you no longer take them for granted.
When you discover a crack or a weakness, do not despair. We all have them. You would be amazed at what cracks and weaknesses can be maintained, or even become strengths given the right treatment. Lean on each other, but don’t shut everyone else out. You cannot meet all of each other’s needs exclusively. Forgive each other’s failings. Do things that grow your reliance on each other. Build with care. Make sure your foundations are strong. Take the time to build well and remember to incorporate both of your needs into the structure. If you know these things going in, you can build a life where you do live happily ever after, but one built on reality, not on fairy tales.
Rainbows form after rain. Bunny rabbits burrow in dirt to make their home and left unchecked, can become pests. Butterflies start as caterpillars and literally turn to sludge, in complete vulnerability, before morphing into something capable of an entirely different life than they had before. Flowers bud and form, each with their own environmental requirements to bloom at their best; sometimes they are appreciated, sometimes they just perform their function.
If a caterpillar gave up in the chrysalis, we’d never know what butterflies looked like. When thing get hard, you’re just in one chapter of your story. The next chapter may reveal a completely different perspective. If things aren’t ideal now, it doesn’t disqualify you from beauty later.
That challenging relationship that sailed to New Zealand, endured. Not because it was perfect, but because the couple persevered. It was difficult from day one, yet that couple still left a legacy here. Don’t despair when things are uncomfortable.
Beauty doesn’t form in the comfort zone. Keep building and strengthening and may you create a beautiful, lasting relationship.
