They say that power corrupts. Perhaps a reason that it does so is that the one in charge can now force their will on those under their influence.
Many years ago I decided not to eat a particular type of meat. As the most regular cook in our household, I just assumed that the whole family would follow my lead. The trouble was that they didn’t agree with me. It was one of their favourites.
I went through a stretching process of learning that it was okay for them to continue eating that meat even though I wasn’t eating it. It was a struggle! I wanted them to be doing the same thing as me. What I had to learn was to allow them to make their own decisions.
Look around, you will see this type of struggle in all kinds of settings: a person trying to get their friend to go to a particular event when they don’t want to, someone with a new passion trying to guilt someone into joining their cause.
Pressuring someone into something often starts off with the best of intentions, but when it comes to forcing others to see things our way, or doing things the way that we like, things quickly slide downhill. Punishment and fear start to come into play as the power games begin and the relationship can become damaged or broken.
We can encourage a friend to join us at an event, but ultimately we must allow them to choose whether or not they will come and be okay with their decision. When we are passionate about something, we can tell our friends all about it and allow them to decide whether they want to engage with it themselves or just cheer us on from the sidelines.
Allowing choice upholds relationship, prevents the use of manipulation tactics and prevents resentment in the one being forced.
Ideally a relationship or friendship is fairly even. Sometimes one gives more and sometimes they need more support, but in the ebbs and flows of life, hopefully these things balance out.
When we take choice out of a situation, someone is expected to do something regardless of their opinion. What happens here is that punishment is introduced. If they go along with the idea, they will be able to keep the relationship but feel divided. If not, they will lose relationship, or perhaps there is a threat that comes into play if they don’t agree.
Punishment and fear go together. They may fear loss or getting hurt and go along with the expectation even when it doesn’t sit right.
The better way to uphold relationship is to act out of love. Allow each other to agree and to disagree when the need arises. You can disagree and still maintain relationship.
Today, many shout down those who disagree with them. It is becoming a forgotten skill to disagree with a perspective and yet still value the person. Let’s practise that skill and bring it back into fashion.
When we fall into the trap of forcing someone to do something or to agree with us, we don’t feel good. We pile on the pressure and feel stressed as we seek to control the outcome. There is a fear of losing control. We might well have a good outcome in mind, but we railroad our idea and shut down any suggestions of different ways to approach it.
If we’re trying to initiate long term change, we will find that things will slip back to the old ways if we lose focus. The pressure comes on us to be constantly watching, constantly monitoring and constantly correcting. That is exhausting.
Even just talking about it sounds stressful. If we’re wanting change, how much better is it to gather ideas, consider others, compromise where needed and share the load as we walk forward together?
Here’s a simple example of a conversation starter to be aware of: “Hey, are you doing anything this Friday?”
We are gathering information for the plan that we have already formulated in our head. Our friend is still oblivious to our idea at this stage.
Here’s a better example to try: “Hey, I have tickets for the game on Friday, would you like to come?”
Be aware how you present your ideas. Give the information and allow the other person to respond to it freely. Acknowledge that ‘no’ is a valid answer. We do not have to know the reason why. We do not have to agree with their response.
Our friend responds, “No thanks.”
Can you handle that? It might be a challenge! See if you can respond graciously without even knowing why they said no.
On the other side of the equation, when we are pressured, we also fear a loss of control. We operate best when our heart and mind are in unison. When we are forced to act in a way that is not consistent with our values, it creates dis-ease.
There are two ways to work around this. We can either say no and walk away from the situation – setting boundaries about what is important to us. Or we can decide to agree – taking away the feeling of victimhood. To remain undecided and feeling pressured into it is bound to lead to resentment.
I told you the story a few weeks ago of the first time that I consciously became aware of manipulation. I was being pressured to go to an event that night and I was in turmoil all afternoon. When I finally made the decision and said no, all the pressure lifted off me. It was amazing.
The thing that gives you power in this situation is the willingness to walk away. The manipulator is relying on being able to press your buttons and get you to do what they want. They expect you to be needy enough to give in. They do not expect you to stand strong regardless of their tactics.
Where you do not have a choice and you are forced to do something, this is someone taking advantage of you. Seek help from someone you trust.
Allowing choice upholds relationship, prevents the use of manipulation tactics and prevents resentment in the one being forced.
Look around, you will see this type of struggle in all spheres of society.
Pressuring someone often starts off with the best of intentions but quickly goes awry. The key to persuasion rather than manipulation is to allow choice. Fear has no place in a healthy relationship. Give them the facts. Convince them if you like. But leave the decision up to them.
It is a learning process to recognise when we are pressuring others to do things our way and it is uncomfortable to address it. We must learn to set aside our own expectations and value the decisions of our friends and family.
Power corrupts because we buy into the lie that we are more important than another. Allowing genuine choice is a great way to keep the power balance even in a relationship.
