We took a family to the beach to watch the sunset. It was overcast so we couldn’t actually see the sunset. It got dark quickly and we had walked quite far along the beach hoping to get a better view. It was cold. Soon it was pouring with rain and we were huddled in jackets trying to share two umbrellas amongst six of us. We blindly stumbled back to the car in the dark and it was miserable. For about 15 minutes. Then we got home, showered and put on warm dry clothes. Now, the family bring it up fondly (usually at my expense, I thought that the clouds would break for a stunning colour display and they didn’t).
I was determined that we would go to the beach. Even if it was cold and threatening rain, we were going.
I got an email this week from Cynthia Lengefeld who teaches on using words with intention. She contrasted what she called the fear based words what if with the faith filled words even if.
I’ve been mulling on the words even if ever since.
But let’s take a look at the what if first.
Asking what if is not always a negative thing, it can be practical. It can help us to prepare. We’re packing for a trip. What if it rains? – we pack a rain jacket. What if there is a nice dinner? – we pack something nice. What if it gets hot? – we pack a swimsuit. But there is a skill in balancing the what if with our baggage allowance. There comes a point at which there is no more space to prepare for contingencies.
In a healthy process, that’s when we start getting creative. That’s when we start operating out of the even if.
We can decide to go even if it rains, even if it’s hot, even if it doesn’t work out as we thought it would.
What if becomes a problem if we allow it to magnify to the point where we won’t do something because of it. How many times have we talked ourselves out of doing something with the what if question?
What if I fail? What if I get sick? What if it gets damaged? What if it’s too late? What if they don’t like it? What if it’s not good enough? What if I get stuck there? What if they laugh?
I like the idea of changing what if for even if. It changes your mindset, builds strength and develops creativity.
The phrase what if has a sense of hesitancy about it. We might take a step forward but we’re looking for a signal to stop.
You might have thought about improving a habit, but then you think “What if xxx doesn’t like how I change?” and then you decide not to make that change because something bad might happen.
The phrase even if has a sense of determination about it. Even if there is an obstacle, I will persevere. That is what Cynthia was hinting at with her term fear based or faith based.
A number of years ago we had an exposed wire outside our house but I didn’t realise it was there. We had a girl visiting and she got a shock from the wire.
She was struggling with anxiety at the time. I used the analogy of the wire and asked her. “Were you afraid of the wire?”
Her answer, “No.”
“But was there danger there?”
Her answer, “Yes.”
I then explained to her that there is a difference between fear and danger. Fear is focusing on the what if, treating a possibility as though it is reality. Danger however, is a reality that we need to be aware of. An exposed wire is dangerous. I’m glad that she wasn’t afraid of it, but she did need to be aware of the danger.
It’s around this fear idea that the words even if can be helpful. Even if is more like a realistic assessment of the danger factor and making a decision to act. Obviously, there are times that the dangers are such that we let an idea go and decide not to go ahead with it – that is wisdom. I am not suggesting that anyone go and do something reckless.
Here are some even if possibilities:
We are going to the beach today even if it rains.
I support xxx sport team, even if they lose.
I enjoy dancing even if I’m not very good at it.
I will do the right thing even if my boss fires me for it.
I will be thankful even if things looks bad.
I will be kind even if xxx is rude.
I knit and donate blankets even if it costs me and I never see the enjoyment of those who use them.
Can you sense the mindset shift? Decision, not hesitancy. Acknowledging the challenges and deciding to go ahead anyway.
One day I went out for a walk and when I got to the park I saw a heavy cloud about to burst. I turned and ran home with the dog and got there just as the rain started pelting down. It was a short walk, but it was still a walk. I went for a walk even though the weather wasn’t great. It got cut short, but that just seemed sensible on the day. Sometimes we will adjust our plan. That is not failure; that is called being adaptable.
Even if gives you a back bone. It acknowledges the dangers or obstacles and prepares you to push through.
Making a decision is a stronger position than weighing up ideas. Once you have committed to a course of action it is much easier to take steps to get there. Perhaps your timing might change or there is an adjustment, but even if there is, you can still make progress.
In New Zealand the word resilient started becoming popular in schools and communities a few years ago. Resilience can be developed when we find a way around an obstacle and accomplish our aim even if something challenges us on the way or it doesn’t look like we thought it would. There is a strength that comes through opposition. That is why people use weights to gain muscle. The resistance of the weight develops strength.
Here’s where the creativity kicks in.
So, we’re planning to go to the beach in the middle of the day but it’s threatening rain. Are you going to wear your swimsuit and stay in the water while it’s raining? Do you plan to wear clothes that can get wet and then dry quickly? Do you want to take a jacket? Could a beach umbrella help? Are you taking a pop up gazebo? What will you wear on your feet? How will you keep your towel dry? Is it cold rain or warm rain? Do you have another towel and change of clothes in a plastic bag just in case? What are you doing for food and drink? Will that work if it rains?
Or more weighty than that: You’re planning an event but your plan A’s aren’t working out. There are challenges. How could you solve those issues that are coming up? What is the important thing here? How can you make that happen? Is the venue the most important thing? Then perhaps you can adjust the date. Does it have to happen that weekend? Then maybe it will have a different feel to it.
Actually that reminds me of my son’s wedding. There were lockdowns and all sorts of challenges to navigate at the time. Every time the couple made a plan, the rules would change and their plan had to change. One suggestion was to postpone, but to the couple that was not an option. Locations changed, times changed, reception plans changed and then the rules changed again the day before the ceremony and so everything changed again. Many more of their friends were able to make it which was wonderful!
The key point was that they got married even if it was on the other side of the country than originally intended, even if the afternoon tea had to feed double the people catered for, even if they had to be completely adaptable right up to the last minute.
Wouldn’t you like to look back and say “I did it even though…”
Could you try out an even if every now and again when a what if pops up?
Even if you think that one word change is not that big of a deal, will you try it? Think of one thing that you could use to try out an even if experiment and give it a go.
Changing what if for even if changes your mindset, builds strength and develops creativity.
In a world where we often filter our information through a safety perspective, we can face discomfort or dangers and make a plan to work around them rather than allowing them to dictate our growth and experience. When we box ourselves in with fear, let’s challenge ourselves by discerning between fear and danger, get brave and change our mindset to even if.
