Have you noticed anything lately? Has everyone been being xxx?
Often, we look around and see themes in the way that people are behaving. The more we notice that feature, the more it multiplies. Or, more accurately, our awareness of it increases and so we look for it more.
When things are in a good place, that is wonderful news, but when things are challenging, what we really want is to come across something positive.
I heard a fable this week from a pulpit in town (thanks Jo!!) and the fable was gleaned from a farmer in my community, Norris Peart.
The story goes that a farmer moved into a new district and as he settled into his new farm, he asked his new neighbour, “What kind of people live in this area?”
The neighbour replied, “Tell me, what kind of people lived in your old district?”
The farmer frowned. “Oh, they were selfish, they were rude and unfriendly. I’m glad to leave them behind.”
The neighbour nodded slowly and said, “I’m sorry, but you’ll find the same kind of people here.”
At the same time, the neighbour had another new farmer move to a farm down the road. She too asked the neighbour, “What kind of people live in this area?”
The neighbour asked again, “Well, what were the people like in the district that you came from?”
The second farmer smiled, and she said, “They were kind, and they were generous, and good-hearted. I was so sad to leave.”
And the neighbour replied, “You’ll find the same kind of people here.”
The moral of this story? Often, we see people not as they are, but as we are. How we choose to see the world matters. What we listen to, watch and dwell on shapes the way we think. How we think shapes what we are aware of. What we are aware of is what we notice. What we notice becomes the fuel we use as evidence to confirm how we choose to see the world. It’s a cycle – positive or negative.
So, if you’re noticing a pattern in the people around you, there is a good chance the pattern is something that you focus on already and it already shapes you or your environment.
I’ve had some great conversations with people recently that might help if you’re seeing a pattern that is filling up your headspace. One lady I know went away recently to a new place and she noticed that the feel of the place was different. It’s been a while since she went away like this and so the difference in the atmosphere was marked. The people behaved differently, the vibe was different. By going to a new place, she was able to take a fresh look at the way she thinks and the way she does things and even the way that she thinks about the future.
Going somewhere different changed her perspective. Going somewhere different does that. Even if you look out your window and then go and look out another window, you will see a different angle. Sometimes you have a slightly modified angle on the same thing, sometimes you get an entirely different picture!
I was talking to another friend who was travelling recently. He travelled from Austria to Slovakia. When he arrived in Slovakia he was surprised to find how ‘light’ the atmosphere was there. I was interested to hear his perspective. I would have thought that going to a nation in eastern Europe would carry the heaviness of a challenging history. But apparently not. Not where he was anyway.
Going somewhere different geographically can give you a different viewpoint, but what about if you can’t go somewhere different?
You can choose to watch or listen to or dwell on something different. If what you’ve been listening to gets you down, try some different music or a different type of podcast or video. Listen to a different viewpoint. Look for someone who says or does something positive and stop to talk to them. Ask questions. “Excuse me, I noticed that you just helped that lady, can you tell me why you did that?” You might get an interesting answer that gives you something new to think about.
When I was flatting in my university days, we used to have late night discussions on the different ways that our families operated. We liked to the use the word indoctrinated a lot, but the reality is, every family has their own unique flavour that shapes its members.
In saying that, the flavour does not shape every family member the same. There is a saying: the same boiling water that softens a potato, hardens an egg. Everyone has their own take on things, even if they lived in the same family or through the same circumstance.
You have your own take on things. Listen to your take. Is it a take laced with hope or with bitterness?
What do you want your story to sound like?
If you are left with a bitter taste in your mouth, how could you develop a new perspective on your story? Perhaps your story is not finished yet, perhaps there is more to come.
Years ago, I spent a period of about a year, systematically going through my life, choosing to forgive myself when I had messed up and choosing to forgive others when they had hurt me. This process can be done with very broad strokes, thinking about each period of your life, say, each decade. Or more specifically, each year or each month. It doesn’t have to be done in order. I started with the traumatic moments – the moments that readily jumped to the surface when I opened my mouth or when I had time by myself. When I dealt with the hurt and the shame and the embarrassment of those events, I noticed a difference. That gave me motivation to continue.
I still laugh at the day when I was about halfway through the process, and I had forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things, and two of my friends asked if I had dealt with a particular event yet… Well, I fired up and reacted as I always had and when I gathered my wits enough to realise what I was doing, I just had to laugh and admit that no, I had not dealt with that issue yet. Let’s just say that they could tell.
If your friends were to ask you about your story, how would you react? Do you carry the hurt of yesteryear like it happened yesterday, or have you let that hurt go and forgiven the people involved? Does that hurt shape how you see people today?
If you were asked what the people are like in your area, what would be your response? What is the lens through which you see the world?
What have you been noticing lately? Has everyone been being xxx?
Is that a perspective that gives you joy and hope? Or does it reinforce a negative perspective that you’ve been carrying? When all you see is the negative, it’s up to you to change your perspective.
I invite you to begin the journey.
