What’s your go-to when your stomach is churning and you can’t sleep because there are too many thoughts bumping into each other as they chase each other within the small confines of your skull?
When I was growing up, we had quotes and prayers and verses on various posters, paintings, photos around the house. When we were in the bathroom we were deeply encouraged. Walking down the hallway we would see a pithy pick me up.
One of those photos was a beautiful waterfall with cursive script outlining a prayer…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
The serenity prayer… It sounds so peaceful; it rolls off the tongue.
It’s simple: a go-to list of requests to keep life on an even keel; wisdom in a nutshell, words to the wise.
But you know when you most need this prayer?
When things are all sorts of crazy. When someone is being unreasonable. When you can see a glaring error and you want to jump in and fix it. When you are trying to help, but deep down you realise that you’re just trying to get things done your own way. When everything both in and around you scream ‘chaos’! When that person does that thing again – and you’ve already made it clear that it is not okay.
The thing with the serenity prayer is that you need it most in that moment when serenity seems elusive. When everything within you is swirling in the opposite spirit; things seem impossible.
It’s a challenge. It looks like a tidy list of to-dos, but what are you really asking for?
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change? But if it needs changing someone’s got to do it right? If only the situation changed… If only that person wouldn’t stop… If only the circumstance was different…
Serenity in that moment? Hardly.
Acceptance? Are you kidding?
No wonder it’s a prayer. Who can do that sort of thing without divine help?
Okay, let’s dial back a bit. Serenity to accept…
When things are swirling, it makes it very difficult to accept things outside of our control. We are flailing around looking for something, anything, to grasp onto. It is very easy to play the blame game, to project our stuff onto others, point the finger and generally rail at external things. It gives us somewhere to direct our attention and energy without the risk of having to adapt anything internally.
To accept something outside of our control is actually to take control back into our own hands. Instead of ranting and raving that, say, there is roadworks blocking our way, we accept that the roadworks are there, even if we don’t like it. We make a plan of how to travel another way or at another time to get to our destination.
The road is blocked. That is a fact. I could be triggered by the roadblock (therefore shining a light on my own issues) or realise that the closure causes a need for change – even if it’s temporary.
Could I shift my meeting later? Could I catch a train? A train or bus will take a bit more planning than normal… wearing walking shoes to the station and carrying a bag with my work shoes in it.
So that leads to the next line of the prayer: the courage to change the things I can. Ugh. Change. What do you mean I need to change? I am fine just the way I am. I have my deadlines and my priorities, why should I change?
I watched a friend get caught up in drama this week. She got swept up trying to change someone else’s response until she realised that she couldn’t. When she realised that her attempts to change the other person were fruitless, something she couldn’t change, serenity returned. What could she do? Adjust her response. She did adjust it and went on with her day free of all the turmoil that had sat there since yesterday when that ‘thing’ had taken place.
What we can change without a doubt is our response, our priorities, our direction, our timing. The other things, we have to figure them out.
It’s important to know when to act. The last line of the serenity prayer asks for the wisdom to know the difference between what we can or can’t control. This is called discernment.
Over the years I have discovered a little trick to make a decision where I am sure that resolution is impossible. I make the decision without actioning anything. I change my mind and just sit with my decision. One of two things happens. Either I get a sense of peace (serenity) with the decision, even if the decision is a hard one, or the turmoil continues.
I’ve employed this trick with a few others who are showing signs of an imminent burnout. They know that they need to make a change, but they rationalise away the decision and find themselves unable to escape their internal prison. I encourage them to make the decision to change without actioning it. Either their body and mind find relief as serenity descends upon them, or they continue on in their drama and it becomes obvious the proposed decision is not a solution.
Once they find peace in the decision, it becomes a matter of courage to act on what they now know is the right thing.
It amazes me how this simple prayer with its list of requests captures the process of returning to equilibrium so well.
When your stomach is churning, where do you turn? Could you turn to the words of this simple prayer and find serenity amidst the craziness of your week?
I encourage you to have a go. It might take a while, you might make mistakes along the way, but as you practise, you will find that you catch yourself in turmoil more quickly and learn to change direction towards serenity with comparative ease.
May you have a more peaceful week as you grow in acceptance, courage and wisdom.
