Don’t run away! I know that balancing the books is a term that could have you running for miles – even if you don’t usually run. I’m not really talking about maths or tax and yet they do fit today’s analogy very well.
What I’m really talking about is that ledger that we all have on our inside that keeps a tally of rights and wrongs. To get offended is to make a mark against someone in our ledger and then hold that against them whether they are aware of it or not.
When I was young, a close friend commented that I always justified what I said. I wouldn’t just say, “sorry, I can’t come on Friday night,” I would tell them all the reasons why I couldn’t come. It was important to me to know that others understood why I couldn’t come. Was it because I was a people pleaser? Was it that I didn’t want them to think any less of me? I don’t know. But it made for very cumbersome conversations.
My friend challenged me to respond without all the justifying. What a challenge! Justification was ingrained in my thinking.
I was talking to another friend last week about habits: examining whether our habits are to follow through on what we say or to say things lightly and break our word.
As I pondered that this morning, I realised something. We can hold others to a very high standard and rationalise away our own behaviour (knowing the reasons behind our decisions); or we can hold ourselves to a punishing standard, (being hypercritical of ourselves) and let everyone else off the hook; or we can treat ourselves and others in a more balanced way.
When our internal voice is a litany of excuses and reasons justifying why we were unable to follow through on something, take note. Does that internal voice equally recite reasons why other people might have let us down? It’s unlikely.
“I was late because the washing machine got unbalanced on its spin cycle. When I realised, I had to restart it and hang the washing out before I came…” “There were stop/start road works on the way…” “I’m sorry, I am so tired, I’ll do it another day…” ” When I said that, I didn’t realise how overcommitted I would be this month…”
But when a colleague has a habit of being late, or a friend doesn’t follow through when we are relying on them, we get so upset. We view their behaviours as a mar on their character. We can even take their behaviours personally. Allowing weakness to frame our view or getting offended about something that was completely unrelated to us can become a pattern in our thinking that grows to apply to multiple other people too.
Yet, if we commit the same ‘crime’, we understand the nuances of the situation and we let ourselves off.
The habit of justifying ourselves and judging others is called hypocrisy. It is a habit of holding a double standard. We judge others harshly and expect grace in our own situation.
We had a very public example of this in New Zealand during the lockdown period in 2020 when the Minister of Health got caught for breaking the lockdown rules with his family. He knew his situation and had rationalised to himself the way that he went about it, but when his actions became public knowledge, he was demoted. He required that others kept a standard that he was not willing to keep himself.
We can become hypocrites without noticing. All it takes is to allow ourselves off the hook on a regular basis while still holding others to account. At first it seems small, but when the pattern establishes and grows, the double standard becomes visible.
On the flip side, have you heard the phrase, “I am my own worst critic”? I’ve heard it in movies, I’ve heard it amongst friends. These people are often those who serve and help naturally, seeing and meeting the needs of others and yet, when it comes to themselves, they have no grace.
These ones don’t allow themselves joy in accomplishment – it’s like they are driven to do things out of internal punishment. When they do something wrong, they will beat themselves up. But when others do something wrong, they feel like it was their own lack, or not doing enough that caused the other to fall short. These ones strive to satisfy the driving force that pushes them – whatever that may be – and yet, that driving force will not be satisfied.
If you recognise this description about yourself, can I venture forth an observation? This mindset too, is unbalanced. To hold ourselves responsible for all that happens around us is not reasonable, nor healthy.
One side effect can be trying to control the situations and people around us. If we are responsible for everything that happens around us, then it follows that we want to influence those things as much as possible. The issue is that we are not really responsible for everything that happens around us and it is uncomfortable to acknowledge that fact.
The challenge with this thinking is to forgive ourselves for falling short and allowing others to carry the responsibility for their own decisions. This is a huge mindset shift, but one circumstance at a time, you are capable of changing the way that you respond.
When we observe that a person is controlling, it often takes some mammoth event of humiliation and self-reflection to knock that out of them.
If we acknowledge a tendency toward one or other of these extremes – towards being a hypocrite or someone who bears unreasonable responsibility – we can make a change without waiting on an external event as the catalyst. This is known as humbling ourselves, seeing ourselves from a fair and balanced perspective. We are not bound by our past perspectives.
Someone who holds themselves accountable for another’s actions can learn to let that person experience their own consequence. You do not have to jump in and save that person. They will have the opportunity to grow if you allow them to go through their own process.
I would like to think that I can fit in just one more job before I get in the car and go out. What I have learnt is that last thing needs to wait until I get home again. With that one simple adjustment, I am on time far more often than in the past. But that is not to say that I am always on time. I still have a tendency to try and fit too much in.
Whatever our leaning, we can change. Take note, are you hard on yourself and soft on others, or is it the other way around?
I have learnt to let my yes be yes and my no be no. This is challenging on two fronts:
By answering honestly and leaving it at that, there is risk that someone will judge me for my decision without knowing why I made that call.
Once I have made my decision, I am responsible to follow through on it. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Not everyone lives that way. Sometimes I say something and others, based on their own standards, assume that I will not follow through. It is not my job to try and change their mind. All I can do is follow through on my word and allow them over time to observe that I mean what I say.
By allowing them to form their own opinion, I don’t pick up a false responsibility to control what they think of me, nor do I hold them to a higher standard than I hold myself.
Does this have its down sides? Yes! I have said some dumb stuff that I have followed through on (cue brother-in-law’s sob story here). Alternatively, I can apologise and acknowledge a mistake – never fun.
I encourage you to look at the balance in your own life. Surely it is better to balance the way that you approach life by choice rather than wait for some external humiliating event to come along and smack your shortcomings out of you. Been there, experienced that.
What is your tally? Do you carry offense against others or against yourself?
Balancing the books is to take stock of where things are, notice patterns and come up with a strategy to cover the shortfall or to invest, save or donate out of abundance. A wise business owner will do this of their own accord rather than wait for the moment that they can no longer meet their obligations and be forced to change.
How does the balance look in your internal ledger?
