We’ve been talking about mindsets for a while now. As you start to observe the way that you function, you may have noticed some strong feelings along the way. Today I’m going to venture into the topic of emotions.
About 11 years ago we had a young man from Colorado boarding with us. He was helpful and grateful and full of joy, especially when he arrived home from work and found dinner in the oven. I remember one particular evening when he walked excitedly into the kitchen and asked the question “What’s for dinner?” He opened the oven door slightly and deeply inhaled the aroma. Now to the casual observer, this was a positive interaction and from his end, it was.
But for me, all my internal sensors were going crazy and I was doing everything that I could to politely encourage him out of the kitchen fast – before I exploded. Now, I’ll save you the details of my issues, but let’s just say that they were gushing to the surface in this moment.
This is what it looks like when we say that if someone is reacting it’s more about them than it is about you. Our boarder was positive and was trying to encourage me. My issues were the ones surfacing and I knew that he had done nothing to provoke the intensity of emotion that I was feeling. It was not okay for me to explode at him for no apparent reason.
What was stirring in me was completely unbearable and I was trying to avoid or escape the feeling as quickly as I could. I actually knew about unbearable feelings before this time and during my reaction I could see what was going on. That is why I was trying so hard to hold it together.
Unbearable feelings are: wait for it… unbearable.
If you’re weighed down by feelings that seem too much to carry, be encouraged. There is hope.
It is possible to pinpoint your unbearable feeling(s), you are not alone and you can actually retrain your brain to think differently in those situations so that the emotions become bearable rather than debilitating.
You might find that your unbearable feeling is quite different to your neighbour’s. One person struggles when they’re ignored while another fears the embarrassment of making a mistake. Another reacts about being controlled or when they feel shame. The place to start is to identify what our unbearable feeling actually is.
David Riddell of Living Wisdom teaches on unbearable feelings. He has a resource called Daily Insights that can be a good prompt to figure out where your triggers are. Sometimes we might read an insight and agree. These are the truths that we already align with and there is no need for change.
To achieve radical change, I need to call some of my feelings ‘liars’ and choose to side with truth, against my own emotions, until my feelings come around.
David Riddell
This quote is an example. Some of you might have read that and found it interesting. Nothing more. Others who are more led by feelings may read this same quote and have a strong reaction to it. The thought of going against your feelings might be a confronting thought. If that is the case, contend with the idea. For these unbearable feelings to change, we’re going to have to allow them to diminish and come into alignment with our new way of thinking.
The reality of the truths that David presents can confront our own experience and sometimes take some wrestling with. If you persevere and allow them to sink in and challenge your thinking, you will grow. This resource is great for the brave, but if you’re not feeling up to being confronted yet, there are smaller steps that will get you on your way.
Another way to identify your unbearable feeling is to notice when you shut down, become unreasonable or overreact; when anger floods through your veins, you wish that the floor would swallow you whole or you’re desperate to escape. Just notice. When you see these things happen or if you can think back to it happening in the past, that’s probably one of your unbearable feelings right there. What do you think caused your reaction? Could you look at that from another perspective?
Sometimes we think that we are the only one experiencing particular feelings and it is easy to shut others out, assuming that they couldn’t possibly understand.
Last week after a conversation, a guy sent through a link for a type of personality test called Enneagram. Some of you switched off right then, but please, ‘bear’ with me.
We chatted about it and he was excited about it, so I decided to try it out. I did the test and do you know what I found? There are other people in the world like me! That felt really freeing.
There were a couple of follow up emails and they accurately described both the good and the bad of how I operate.
The thing that I love about personality traits is finding out how we can interact better. It’s not about putting yourself in a box, it’s about finding out your strengths and identifying your weaknesses so that you are not as limited by them. Once you know they’re there, you have a choice in how you respond to them.
Learning about each other is about bringing out the best in each other and supporting each other in our weaker moments.
Please note: There are some who will twist their knowledge of you to their own advantage, so do be wise in who you share your information with. Take the learnings on board for yourself at first and share only with those that you trust.
Once you know what your unbearable feelings are, you can strengthen yourself by getting a fresh perspective of the issue.
If our unbearable feeling is rooted in a past experience, we can remind ourselves that what is happening today is not what happened in the past and we can respond differently now. This is what I needed to remember in the kitchen with the boarder. If you’re stuck in that past moment, I encourage you to find help in processing it if you need to. You may also need to learn new ways to respond.
Reading Living Wisdom’s Daily Insights or finding some other type of truth coach and saturating ourselves with truth will challenge these feelings. As we begin to think of the world differently, our emotions will begin to change.
When our dog was little, he licked and drank loudly. I don’t particularly like eating noises. When I first got him, I had to talk myself through it if he was licking or drinking. I forced myself to stay in the room and I would tell myself that he is a dog and dogs lick themselves clean and lap up water and it is okay that he does that and it is okay that he makes a noise.
I must admit, I quite enjoy it now when I have a guest over who doesn’t like the noises that he makes. Sure, I tell him to stop, but their reaction reminds me of how much I have grown since we got him. I still don’t like eating noises, but I can keep that to myself nowadays. It doesn’t have to affect the people that I am with.
It is possible to pinpoint your unbearable feeling(s). Be encouraged, although our challenges are all different, we all have challenges. You are not alone. There are others who struggle with the same things that you do. You can actually retrain your brain to think differently so that your emotions become bearable rather than debilitating. Feelings are not permanent, you can learn to bear them and something positive may even come from the process.
In reading about unbearable feelings this week, I came across the story of a lady who found something good as she worked through her unbearable feelings. I wonder what your story might be as you learn to bear the unbearable.
I know that we’ve circled back to mindsets even as we’re discussing emotions, but at least we’ve broached the subject. Each aspect of us as a person will impact another area for better or for worse. There are five areas that may change and grow on this journey. Over time we will touch on them all.
*I have no affiliation or relationship with Enneagram or Living Wisdom, they provide resources that I have found helpful in my own journey.
