Down the road from where I live there is a house that has a flag flying all the time. I walk or drive past the flag most days. Now, I have never lived near a constantly flying flag before and I find it fascinating.
What amazes me is how quickly it disintegrates. I wonder what it is that makes the end that is parallel to the flagpole unravel. Is it all the flicking in the wind? Does it get caught on the pole when it’s at rest and get torn when the wind starts? Is it just because it is exposed to the elements and the fabric gets brittle in the sun?
I previously assumed that flags last and last – perhaps because in my minds-eye they are only up for special occasions. I wonder if this household has a stash of flags to replace it regularly or if getting another flag is constantly on their to do list.
Thinking about this flag does not fill my waking moments, but I often wonder the same things as I walk past it on any given day.
I was walking with someone recently and shared my wonderings. This person was surprised that I allow my mind to ponder something that is so irrelevant to my life.
We are all wired differently.
It is really easy to get offended about what someone else does because we don’t understand the way that they think.
Years ago when we moved into a new home, we invited a bunch of people to our housewarming. One colleague responded at the end of a long email chain and we could see that she had considered with her spouse whether it would be to their benefit to come to the housewarming. They considered who might be there and weighed up the pros and cons very candidly with each other before sending their final decision back to us.
That is not how I think.
I was shocked at the thought process that they had gone through and realised that I needed to acknowledge the relationship as the work based connection that it actually was. I wanted to be offended, but the reality was that she hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just different to how I would have done it.
I was really grateful for that insight years later: a woman completely ignored me at a charity dinner because she assumed that I could be of no benefit to her. It was funny because everyone else at the table knew me and they knew that she had made a big mistake. Several people at the table caught my eye with a knowing smile or a wink throughout the course of the evening.
Eventually I got a bit cheeky and dropped just enough information from over her shoulder (she had physically turned her back to me even though we were sitting next to each other at a round table) to show her that she had sorely misjudged me. Suddenly she started trying to connect with me as if I was her best friend.
I chose to keep a good attitude toward her because I thought of the email lady all those years before and I realised that some people are genuinely wired to filter things through their own pros and cons. She had been overtly rude, but I didn’t have to follow suit.
It would have been very easy to ignore her; I would have been mirroring her own behaviour, but I decided to take her as she was instead. I was friendly to her, but I was also aware that this connection was superficial. I cooperated with her over-the-top friendliness, but I didn’t allow it to lull me into thinking that she was more of a friend than she actually was.
When one of my sons was too big for me to be able to make him do anything, we were packing for a family trip. When the time came for us to leave, he wouldn’t get in the car; I gave him all the arguments about how this was a special family trip but he still wouldn’t get in. He had a list of things that he needed to get done. In his thinking, those things prevented him from joining the family.
Upon reflection, once the drama had subsided, I realised that his arguments were practical and tactile based. Myers Briggs calls this ‘sensing’. As demonstrated in the flag story, I like to theorise. I like processing information. Myers Briggs calls this ‘intuition’.
I used my best intuitive arguments against his best sensory arguments and we completely missed each other. I didn’t convince him, he didn’t convince me. We were talking on different planes.
My arguments weren’t rebutting his practical perspective and his arguments didn’t get anywhere near my focus on the importance of family and so we argued on and completely missed each other.
Why am I telling you these stories?
Because we are all wired differently!
Some of you might be reading this and completely relate to the email lady. You might be surprised at my shock, because you are wired to think in pros and cons too.
Or, maybe you know a person who just doesn’t get where you’re coming from. They don’t grasp the situation. They’re stuck in their thinking. You might even go as far as calling them stubborn.
Perhaps you could find out how they process information; whether they are sensory or intuitive. Perhaps they are arguing from another plane and their reasoning is completely valid from that perspective. Could you build a ramp between planes so that you can gain an understanding of their viewpoint?
If you process practically, you might get really frustrated with someone who harps on about ideas and theories and philosophies.
Someone like me might get frustrated at a practical perspective constantly bringing up obstacles and putting on the brakes when obstacles are merely opportunities to come up with creative solutions.
I hope that some of you have had an ‘aha’ moment as you’ve read these stories.
Do you see how understanding that someone sees very differently could help when we’re tempted to take offence?
We don’t need to get offended when we acknowledge that others are wired differently. We can even agree to disagree when we reach an impasse.
How we respond to others is a reflection of ourselves, not a reflection of them. We can choose to process through the hurt or misunderstanding and still value them as a person. That is our choice.
How they process the event is up to them and is a reflection of them, not of you.
You can learn something about a person and just hold that knowledge while maintaining relationship. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses and sometimes those interact positively with someone else, but sometimes they can leave negative undertones. Let’s just acknowledge the differences and continue in relationship rather than shutting down and burning our ramps.
