I was in a hostel bathroom. The sign on the wall said, “Use only ONE paper towel to dry your hands. The planet and the hostel thank you.”
I have seen ladies in public toilets pull out up to 10 paper towels to dry their hands and throw a massive bundle of paper in the bin. I could understand where the hostel was coming from. I am usually a two paper towel girl but because of the sign, which was obviously a big deal for them, I restricted myself to one while I was there. The thing I learnt was that one paper towel is technically enough to dry your hands, but you end up with a saturated heap of mush in your hands and none of the satisfying crumple to throw away.
It did the job, but I now realise that there is a measure of satisfaction that I enjoy as part of the process of drying my hands. I like to dry them a certain way.
Then I got to the cubicle and there was a sign on the door. “Do NOT flush paper towels.”
I started wondering – what’s with paper towels in this place? Why would you go all the way out to the basins to get a paper towel to take back into the cubicle?
And then it happened. I went into a cubicle late evening and there was no toilet paper. Suddenly it became clear why someone might grab a paper towel. I walked upstairs and told the guy at reception that the bathroom was out of toilet paper. He fixed the problem.
Toilet paper is the sort of thing that we come across regularly. But we don’t all engage with paper in the same way. In some countries or areas in some cities, they don’t flush any paper.
Some people don’t use paper because they use water, a bidet. These people will read this with a whole different attitude and understanding.
In other places, they use bins. If you’re just going to put paper into a bin, it doesn’t matter what type of paper you’re throwing away. A serviette or paper towel will do the job as well as a piece of toilet paper, so it doesn’t matter what you use. But those types of paper are not designed to disintegrate as quickly as toilet paper is. In fact, paper towels are marketed on their ability to hold together even when saturated. No wonder paper towels block a toilet!
Someone who is used to public toilets with bins, where there’s often no paper, will use whatever paper is available to them – whatever’s in their bag or in their pocket. Now transfer that person to a place where paper is flushed and they don’t know the nuances of paper flushing etiquette. They’ll use what’s available and follow the signs saying to flush the paper – and the toilet gets blocked if they don’t restrict themselves to toilet paper.
We had guests staying a while ago and I was blown away by how much paper they went through. It became a standing joke as I asked them what they could possibly do with so much paper… the answer? Being really careful not to get near anything nasty.
I found that really interesting. Have I increased my capacity for getting near nasties by bringing up children? I definitely don’t like nasties, but I can deal with them and am not afraid of them.
So now, let’s use the paper towels and toilet paper to represent our way of doing things in the process of relationship.
For some, when they are interacting with others, they will take excessive steps to avoid the messy stuff. Perhaps they’re new to a type of interaction, they haven’t experienced getting close to nasties and cleaning them away. They pad their words, beat around the bush, hold people at arm’s length and push people away. Looking in from the outside, these things seem over the top. We might have boundaries in our relationships that give us a sense of safety and we know that we can get close to a person without the nasties, or at least we know how to clean up if we encounter them. But for someone new to healthy relationship, they use everything at their disposal to protect themselves.
It could also be that they find the padding satisfying. When they learn a new way of doing things, the crumple that they used to experience is gone and so they have to adjust the way that they experience satisfaction. They’ll either slide back into old habits even though they know that they don’t need to use as much padding, or they’ll need time to rewire their brain for a new kind of satisfaction – hopefully a positive relationship gives enough benefit to persevere with the new way of doing things.
Perhaps they didn’t grow up with access to a flushing system. When there is a mess to clean up, they are used to using whatever is available, throwing it to the side. They’ve never actually flushed the paper, they’ve kept it in a smelly bin off to the side. Therefore, they don’t know the difference between what can be flushed away and what needs to be dealt with.
When learning that they can flush paper they think that anything can be flushed and they end up blocking the system. There is overflow and a mess to clean up and it’s not pleasant!
As they grow in experience, they might know that certain things need to be dealt with and not flushed, but there is a moment of desperation. They don’t have the capacity to go and ask for someone to restock the right tools for the job and so they use whatever is available. A mess ensues.
It is a good idea to take notice of what is available to us and go and ask for help, or restock before the moment of desperation arrives. Using the right tools can save a lot of mess and embarrassment and cleaning up that happens when we block the system.
After all of this, it was time to come home again. I boarded a plane for the long flight and, in the course of time, found myself in the bathroom cubicle. Within reach in this tiny room was toilet paper, tissue paper, and paper towels.
It hadn’t occurred to me before that all of these types of paper require a measure of knowing how to use them. Some places don’t use tissues. Other places, tissues are all they use. No wonder some ladies pull out multiple paper towels when perhaps at home they only have access to tissues – tissues absorb so much less than paper towels.
Where we assume a shared discernment and understanding as to which paper to use in a public bathroom, we end up with paper on the floor, blocked pipes and general mayhem. Signs and information go a long way toward helping the situation, but not everyone has the experience that we do in deciding what to use where. What we assume is obvious might be completely foreign to another person.
Why do signs have to say don’t flush nappies/diapers?
Logic says, if anything that you threw in the bin in xxx can now be flushed, you must be able to flush diapers too.
Experience says, “No! Don’t flush nappies, the toilet will get blocked!” But not everyone has that experience. Some come from a place where everything goes in the bin.
For those who are familiar with a bidet, they may be aware of a whole better way of cleaning up in the bathroom. Even when we’ve experienced and learnt things on our own path, there are always going to be others around who have a different understanding and perhaps a better way of doing things.
Imagine how much more complex discernment and understanding in relationships must be. We come from different cultures and countries, but even within those who grew up in one nation, there is a wide range of experiences and backgrounds.
What you think is normal is foreign to someone else.
When you realise the complexities of something as simple as paper in the bathroom, perhaps you could extend grace for yourself and for others as you navigate relationships.
You’re not always going to see things the same way as someone else. You will have habits that satisfy you that seem excessive to someone else. Perhaps you have good habits, but others can’t embrace them yet. Will you give them grace to go on their own journey? It will take time for them to rewire their brains to appreciate the benefits of a different way.
Perhaps to take a step back and notice those things that need restocking is a major breakthrough for you. When you notice that something is empty, will you restock it to prevent disaster in a moment of desperation?
When you see a need and share your knowledge, will you communicate it in a way that others can learn with dignity?
Relationships sometimes require us to read the signs of the way that things are done in a particular place and sacrifice our usual way of doing things for the benefit of someone else. It might not be satisfactory for you, it might not be your usual way of doing things, but perhaps in that place there is a lesson to learn, an experience that enriches you as you move forward. Let’s look for lessons in those uncomfortable places.
